


Did you get the message?

by horrorgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Asexuality, Bisexual Dean, First Time, Fluff, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Lies, Loss, M/M, Mourning, Secrets, Smut, Trust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2016-11-21
Packaged: 2018-09-01 06:05:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8612143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorgirl/pseuds/horrorgirl
Summary: Dean Winchester's life is about three things: sex, alcohol, and hunting. He is the best hunter, and the biggest player out there. He sets his sights on a blue eyed stranger that he knows he can never have. A chance encounter and a lucky find turn his world upside down in ways that he never knew were possible. He doesn't know if he can face the hard truth or explain his own lies. He doesn't know if he can actually learn how to live, or continue to just exist.





	

"Hey Sammy, you want another cold one?"

Sam looked up from where he was getting ready to take his shot and just nodded at his brother. He lined his pool stick back up and slid it forward, gently tapping the ball, hoping to bounce number four into the corner pocket. He made his shot, but didn't celebrate. He leaned back against the wall and sighed. It felt good to relax. Dean wanted to hustle tonight, but they were too close to home. You never took money from people that you might bump into again. He watched his brother cross the crowded bar and slip his way between people to get the bartender's attention. 

\-------------------------

Dean slid sideways and rested his elbow on the bar, waiting for the bartender to notice him. She was a pretty brunette and he thought about trying to charm his way into her bed, but like Sam always told him, no hustling and no hooking up this close to home. At least they spent enough time on the road to earn some extra cash hustling pool, and for him to use his green eyes and grin to end up somewhere other than the motel room that he shared with his brother when the bar closed. The crowd was rowdy tonight and he bumped into whoever was standing next to him. "Hey, I'm sorry," he smiled, turning his head. His smile almost faded when he saw the beautiful blue eyes just inches from his own. He desperately wanted to make an exception to Sam's rule when he heard the deep gravely voice accept his apology.

"Whatcha want, hon?" The bartender asked impatiently. 

He pulled his eyes away and turned his charm on her. "Two cold ones, and a whiskey neat," he winked.

"Coming right up," she smiled, looking him up and down. Dean knew that he didn't have to leave alone tonight if he didn't want to, but he was entirely too distracted by the jawline covered in a five o'clock shadow and messy dark hair of the blue eyed stranger next to him.

"I haven't seen you in here before."

"I'm just passing through town."

The room was so loud that Dean could barely hear him, and had to lean closer. "Do you play?" he asked, nodding towards the pool tables.

"No," the stranger smiled.

"Me and my brother have a game going over there, but if you're interested in learning..."

"I can't, I'm here with a business associate."

"A 'business associate'? Or an actual business associate?" Dean grinned, watching the color crawl up the man's cheeks. 

He looked down at the floor and chuckled, eventually raising his head to meet Dean's eyes. "An actual business associate."

Dean saw the bartender set his drinks on the bar in front of him. He dropped some cash and picked them up. "Lucky guy," he whispered in the stranger's ear when he turned and walked away.

\-------------------------

Dean knew that he was being watched, and he knew how to watch without getting caught. The stranger was there with another guy, fairly average with a grin almost charming enough to compete with Dean's own. He was okay, but nobody that Dean would go home with, especially compared to his blue eyed friend. Dean could tell that they were just business associates, maybe friends at most, and he couldn't stop himself from wondering what could happen if they had separate motel rooms. Somebody passing through town was fair play when it came to Sam's rules. Now he just needed to figure out what Mr. Blue Eyes was into.

\-------------------------

"Well, I know you wouldn't even think about trying to hook up with the bartender. Most of the people in here are locals. So, who's the victim?" Sam asked, reaching for the beer that Dean had set on the ledge by the pool table.

"What are talking about?"

"Uh, you have that Dean Winchester on the prowl thing going on. Let me guess. It's either the blonde over at that table there with the other girls, or it's the brunette talking to that hipster douchebag."

"Nope Sammy, not even close." Dean grinned, nodding his head slightly toward the table that he'd been keeping an eye on. Just then the stranger looked up at them, the corner of his mouth turning up shyly before he focused his attention back on his business associate.

"Those are some seriously blue eyes."

"Sexy enough that even a straight man can appreciate it," Dean chuckled, patting his brother on the back. "Who's turn? Yours or mine?"

"It's your shot," Sam said, sitting down on a stool and taking a long drink. He glanced over at the table again for a second look. The guy wasn't the type Dean usually went after, and there was no way of telling what he was into, but it was always fun to watch his brother try and work his magic.

\-------------------------

He was standing at the bar, buying a last round when he felt the blue eyed man behind him. He turned his head slightly, "You following me?" he winked. He watched him drop his head and his cheeks turn pink. "Wow, you embarrass easy." He 'accidentally' brushed his fingers against the guy's leg and felt his phone in his pocket. He wordlessly reached for it, put his number in the contacts list, and slid it back. "I'm Dean, by the way," he held out his hand.

"Cas." 

Dean gripped his hand and pulled him close. "I don't know what you're into, but can I go either way. Now you know how to get a hold of me if you're planning to stay in town for a few days," he said quietly, letting go and walking back to where Sam was waiting.

\-------------------------

"The mighty Dean strikes out," Sam laughed as he got in the car.

"The mighty Dean didn't try very hard. But, he has my number and I put an offer on the table."

"Your number? Wait, did you do that creepy phone thing?"

"What creepy phone thing?" Dean asked, starting the engine.

"You know what I'm talking about."

"Hey, worst case scenario is that he got hit on, is flattered but not interested, and he'll delete the number. No harm no foul, Sammy."

"You took his phone out of his pocket."

"And he didn't seem the least bit bothered by it. But, I couldn't get a read on the guy, can't tell which team he plays for. He kinda has that sexy shy thing going on."

"If he's passing through town for work, chances are you're just going to have to put that one in your spank bank."

Dean turned and looked at his brother, "did you seriously just say something about my spank bank?"

"And I regretted it the minute it came out of my mouth. Now let's just head home, I'm tired and chances are Bobby should have something for us in the next day or two."

Dean turned up the volume on his radio and drove towards Singer Auto Salvage, the closest thing the brothers had to a home.

\-------------------------

Bobby and Sam had gone upstairs. Dean was laying on the couch with his hands behind his head trying to picture what might be hiding underneath the jeans and t-shirt that Cas had been wearing. He probably wouldn't have noticed him if it weren't for the eyes. He did have a reputation, but he was actually a lot pickier about who he slept with than Sam realized. But this guy, it wasn't just the blue eyes, it was the shy smile, his deep voice, and the fact that he had absolutely no idea how sexy he was. He was a challenge, but a challenge that Dean figured he'd never see again.

\-------------------------

"Things are quiet out there, I got nothin' on the radar."

"Seriously?" Dean asked, looking up from his breakfast. "We haven't worked a case in over two weeks, Bobby."

"Well apparently you're on a forced vacation. You should look at this as a good thing. Quiet radar means that there's nothing out there for you boys to hunt down."

"Nothing that's active at the moment," Sam said. "But for all we know, hell's about to break loose."

"Figuratively or literally?" Dean asked, raising his eyebrows.

"At this point? Either."

Dean picked up his coffee and leaned back with a sigh. Their job used to be relatively easy. They heard about a strange death or disappearance, and they investigated it. Nine out of ten times it was a monster, a creature that most people didn't even believe were real. Sam and Dean Winchester didn't just know that they are real, they tracked them, found them, and killed them. Just like their father had, and just like their uncle Bobby had. But now they had bigger things, evil things that they were up against. "Do you remember how much easier things were before the demons came out to play? Those fuckers never seem to hit the radar until it's too late."

"They're kind of a new addition to the list, Dean. I mean we've always known they exist."

"We've known of one, Sammy. One. The one that killed mom. Now there are a shit ton and we don't have a way to kill them. Asking them politely to step into a devils trap so that we can perform an exorcism doesn't always work out so well."

"We're working on that, Dean. You've just got to be patient." Sam and Dean both turned their heads and looked at Bobby. Asking Dean Winchester to be patient was like asking the sun not to rise in the east. Dean was inherently angry and reckless. When he wasn't hunting, he felt like a caged animal. The demons just made things worse. All Dean wanted was to watch one die, just like one watched their mother die. All they could do now was paint devil's traps, lure them, and read the Latin exorcism incantation to send them back to Hell. To Dean, that wasn't enough.

"Ugh, so there's really nothing? No werewolves? Djinn? Shit, I'd take a vengeful spirit at this point."

"I'm sorry Dean, I got nothin'."

"Well I'm crawling out of my fucking skin."

"I need some things from town..."

Dean finished his coffee and pushed himself away from the table, "Make me a list. If I'm lucky maybe I'll run into a vamp nest on the way."

\-------------------------

Dean was trying to figure out which type of laundry soap Bobby wanted when he sensed someone walking down the aisle. He turned his head and saw those blue eyes. He grabbed a random box of detergent and stood up. "I'm not following you, I'm totally legit. See? Basket, list..." he smiled.

"You don't seem like the type to be dedicated enough to wait outside of a grocery store."

"You don't know me very well. So, sorry if I crossed the line with the phone thing. Sometimes my brother has to remind me that 99% of the population finds it creepy."

Cas laughed and looked at the floor, "I don't know if I'd use the word creepy. Bold maybe."

"I can accept that. So, I apologize if I came across as a little too bold last night. I uh...well I really don't have a good excuse."

"Don't worry about it."

"Are you hungry? I thought that maybe we could..." Dean couldn't figure out why, but he was drawn to Cas almost to the point of fascination. "Unless you have business and shit to take care of."

"Well, I do need to finish up here. Grab some things for the road."

"Okay yeah, well it was nice meeting you," Dean turned, looking at the list to see what else Bobby needed.

"But I can always come back later and get what I need," Cas said quietly.

"So, lunch? I promise that I'll try to keep my hands out of your pockets."

"The diner across the street?"

"Give me ten minutes," Dean grinned, unable to stop himself from looking at Cas's ass when he walked out the door.

\-------------------------

Dean slid into the booth across from Cas, he could already see his cheeks turning pink. "So, let's start with anything that you may have heard about me is probably true. I am an asshole, and a whole lot of other words that pretty much mean the same thing. I can provide references if necessary. I'll call my brother and put him on speaker, he'd be more than happy to vouch for me."

"You and your brother are close."

"Live together, work together, travel together...let's just say that we spend a lot of time together."

"Work and travel? What do you do?"

Dean always hated this question, but he'd learned the script a long time ago. "A lot of things. Construction, mechanics, handyman, pest control. We're like the walking definition of a blue collar worker. You?"

"Um, public relations."

"Wow, sounds exciting."

"It can be, trust me."

The waitress showed up and got her share of Dean Winchester charm when he ordered a bacon cheeseburger and Cas ordered coffee.

"Coffee? Seriously? Okay, well I'm definitely buying."

Cas just watched the waitress walk away and smiled. He turned back to Dean and their eyes locked. He could see things in Dean's bright green eyes. He saw that there was a lot more there than a handyman or mechanic. Cas could see that as charming and sweet as Dean was, there was another side to him, and he didn't know if he should be afraid or intrigued.

"Okay," Dean said, clearing his throat. "So, I just need to get this out of the way. Partly because then I'll know which direction to take this conversation and partly because I have to admit there is something about watching you blush that...anyway. I'm guessing that you understood what I meant when I said that I'll play either way. The million dollar question here is which team do you play for. There is no wrong answer here."

Cas could feel the blush creeping up his neck, "I, um, I really don't. I don't play for either I guess."

"You don't play for either meaning? I'm not trying to embarrass you, I've just asked that question more than once in my life and gotten some pretty interesting answers, but I've never been told neither."

"I just don't. I mean...I haven't. I don't ever think about it."

"So you...you've never?"

"No."

"Never?"

Cas turned away and looked out of the streaked window. He felt a lump in his throat and suddenly wanted to leave.

"Cas, don't. I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable here. Seriously, I'm not. I'm just trying to wrap my head around it. I mean I get it, the whole asexual thing, I've just never actually met anybody who...you know...had no interest."

"So maybe I'm a freak."

"Oh no, if you want to hear about freaks, I can tell you some stories. At least I can say that you didn't technically shoot me down," Dean winked. 

"Well, you got your million dollar answer. Do you still want to hang out with an asexual freak?"

"Hey, I said I'm an asshole, but I'm not that big of an asshole. Who knows, I might even stop hitting on you and let you see the real me."

\-------------------------

Dean watched Cas, listened to his voice, and he still wanted him. But something about knowing that he was untouchable, that this wasn't a chase, made it easier to just relax and have a conversation. They both heard his phone go off. He picked it up from the table and chuckled. "Apparently my brother is ready to send out a search party because it shouldn't, and I quote, take this damn long just to go to the store. If I'm not dead, I'm supposed to text him back. I can actually picture the vein in his neck and the lines in his forehead."

"You should probably text him back," Cas laughed.

"I'll just tell him that I'm busy with a hot guy. Trust me, I won't hear from him again. And calling you hot doesn't count as hitting on you."

"If you say so."

Dean winked again and finished eating.

\-------------------------

"When are you leaving?" Dean asked when they stopped next to his car.

"Tomorrow afternoon sometime."

"So meet me for drinks tonight."

"Dean..."

"What? I know that I don't have a shot with you, so I don't have to try and pull off the charming act all night. And, there is something to be said for talking to somebody who isn't Sam or Bobby."

Cas looked into Dean's eyes again, "Okay, one drink."

"Maybe two, I'm a heavyweight. Say 8:00?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Look at it this way, Cas. You're leaving tomorrow and I don't have your number. So, you could stand me up and you'd never hear from me again. Or you could show up and have a drink, and then never hear from me again. Personally I'd go for the free drink, but it's up to you."

"I'll be there."

"Alright, well I've got to get going before Sam has an aneurysm. I'll see you in sixish hours."

Cas stood in the parking lot and watched Dean drive away. Once the car was out of sight he shook his head and laughed to himself as he walked back across the street to the grocery store. He didn't even remember what he'd gone there to get in the first place.

\-------------------------

"It's a good thing we didn't send you for anything perishable. How long has this shit been sitting in the backseat of your car?"

"I don't know. An hour or two."

"What in the hell, Dean?"

"Didn't you read the text? I was busy with a hot guy."

"And I so did not need to know that."

Dean laughed at his brother's scowl, "I ran into the blue eyed guy from last night. We went to lunch. Perfectly innocent."

"Nothing with you is perfectly innocent."

"Oh, and we're meeting for drinks later."

"So don't wait up?"

"Oh no, you can wait up. I don't have a chance in hell with this one."

"Straight?"

"Asexual."

"So he's never..."

"Nope. Said that he's never even thought about it."

"Don't tell me that you are going to try to change that."

"Seriously Sam? That's a whole lot of effort for zero return. He's a nice guy and to be perfectly honest, it might be nice to hang out with somebody besides my brother, no offense. There's no pressure, I won't have to do the whole charming asshole thing."

"I thought that just came naturally."

"Oh it does, but I really can't remember the last time I went to the bar when I wasn't looking for a hook up."

"Dean, you are always looking for a hook up. Why would tonight be any different?"

"Because I'm there with somebody. You don't think that would make me look like a total dick?"

"You do it to me all of the time."

"You're my brother, it doesn't count."

"Do you have any idea how many times you have left me at the bar?"

"No, have you been keeping count? I'd seriously love to know what my numbers are."

"You are a total a dick."

"I do need to find you boys a hunt," Bobby grumbled, walking into the kitchen. "You're actin' like children."

"Shit, then find me a hunt. I'm ready, just not tonight."

Dean walked away and Bobby gave Sam a confused look. "What in the hell has gotten into him?"

"Honestly, I think he's setting himself up for a reality check. He may have found the one person on earth who is immune to the Dean Winchester charm."

"Well good, then maybe he'll stop being so damn arrogant."

"Yeah right, we're not that lucky."

\-------------------------

Dean was leaning against his car, his baby, his '67 Chevy Impala when he watched Cas get out of the cab. "What? No car?"

"We have a rental. I left it at the motel in case my partner needs it."

"So, business partner," Dean started, holding the door open. "A public relations business partner. How does that work?" They found a table and ordered a round.

"Well, I guess you could say that he holds a higher position in the company. Basically his job is to make sure that I do my job."

"Okay, next question. We're in Sioux Falls. Who in Sioux Falls is having problems with public relations?" He didn't even pay attention to the waitress when she set the bottles down in front of them. Cas nodded at her and smiled while Dean just paid for the drinks.

"The church," Cas finally said after she had walked away.

Dean almost choked on his beer. "You are here to do public relations for a church?"

"There have been a lot of scandals, a lot of messes that need cleaning up. That's what we do."

"Now this just feels weird."

"Why?"

Dean took a drink and started to nervously pick at the label on his beer bottle, "I don't know if I believe." He said, lifting his head to look at Cas. "I mean, I've been through some shit in my life. Enough to make me question the existence of anything good out there."

"You don't believe that there is good out there?"

"I've met good people. I've seen good things happen. But I don't believe that if I lay in my bed at night and talk out loud about my life or my problems, that anything is going to change. There isn't anything out there that is going to save Dean Winchester."

"Save you from what?"

"A lot of shit. A lot of shit that I can't talk about. Hell, anyone who really knows me would probably tell you that I need to be saved from myself. How did this conversation get so serious so fast?"

"Because you aren't hitting on me. You aren't putting on an act."

"Maybe I should," Dean sighed before he took another drink.

"Why? I like you better this way."

Dean smiled and played with his near empty beer bottle, "You like me better when you start to see the fucked up side?"

"I like you better when you're real. I'm more likely to keep this guy's number and call or text him. Maybe even meet up for drinks when I'm in Sioux Falls."

Dean was surprised and didn't know how to respond. Nobody outside of Sam or Bobby saw anything real in him. "So, if you're here to help the church that must mean that you believe in something."

"This is my job, but that doesn't mean that I don't question it," Cas sighed. "I don't know how to say this in a way that makes sense. I know that there is something out there, I've just never seen it. I know that there is good, but I think that the good can be turned into something hypocritical without hesitation."

"So you're doing public relations for something that you don't really believe in?"

Cas leveled his eyes and looked at Dean, "I want to. I want to know that there is something watching over me. But, all I have are words and stories, promises. I don't have proof. Belief means blind faith and I'm starting to wonder if I'm anything like the people that I work with. They go in and they clean up the messes without question. I go in and I wonder how the mess happened in the first place, who let it happen."

"So let me ask you this; if something created all of us, a higher power, God I guess, then what about all of the evil? There are things out there that I can't imagine anyone or anything creating on purpose." Dean knew that he was walking a fine line, but for some reason he felt like he could trust Cas. Not enough to tell him about hunting, but he still felt it.

"I question that too sometimes. I think the saddest part is that the most evil beings I know of are humans."

"I don't know, I've heard about shit that would give humans a run for their money."

"But humans don't act on instinct alone. Humans make conscious decisions, and in the end they can go either way. I don't know, it seems to be about greed and what people can get out of others."

"Well now that whole 'charm people into bed' thing that I do makes me feel like a real asshole," Dean said quietly.

"They wouldn't end up in your bed if they didn't want to. Yes, you are handsome and charming, and that helps, but ultimately it's their choice. How often are you turned down?"

"Depends on location and alcohol intake. Bigger cities and alcohol, I get turned down by women but have better luck with men. The women have more options and aren't impressed by some guy just passing through. But, the guys are generally out, or close to it, and perfectly happy to have nothing more than a hook up. Smaller towns and alcohol, the women are a little more interested. I'm the new guy. They don't know a thing about me. Sam and I walk into a bar, we get noticed. I mean you've seen the guy, he's 6'4" and has those damn puppy dog eyes and dimples. That's where it starts. I wink and I smile and they all want to say that they got a piece of the hot guy who showed up randomly and left the next day. At least the women do. Guys in a small town? It doesn't happen, not very often."

"Why?"

"I'm guessing homophobia. It has happened, but it's always felt like a dark alley thing. Meet me outside, don't let anyone see anything, sneak out afterwards. It doesn't bother me, but I feel bad for them. I travel the country so I get to see it all."

"When did you know that you are bisexual?"

Dean signaled for another drink and smiled at Cas, "I've always known. I'm guessing that you're wondering when I first acted on it? I was 17 I think. My dad was in the Marine Corps and we moved around a lot. We were never in one school for very long. I was a junior and knew that I'd be leaving soon so when I got hit on, I figured why not. At least try it out and see if it's who I really am. As it turns out, it's who I really am. My old man never knew about it. He probably would have kicked my ass. I think Bobby knows, but he doesn't ask. Obviously Sam knows. He refers to me as Deansexual."

"Meaning?"

"That if a situation interests me, I'll be down for it. Women, men, group things. My life hasn't been easy, that's not a bid for sympathy, but if I can lose myself in that moment, be someone else, then everything just kind of fades into the background. I get smacked in the face by reality afterwards, so it's not always worth it. I can't always be this version of Dean Winchester, a guy who's just enjoying a beer and conversation. Sometimes I have to be 'that guy'. Hell, I'm 'that guy' most of the time."

"Just for sex?"

"I don't know, I never really thought about it. I'm anonymous. I'm never in one place long enough to get attached. Hell, I don't want to get attached. That's why Sam has the 'no hook up in Sioux Falls' rule."

"So why me?"

"Because you're leaving. I mean I have other reasons, trust me, but the fact that you're leaving was like the green light because chances are we'll never see each other again. Do you want another?" Dean nodded at Cas's empty bottle. 

"Sure, I plan to call a cab anyway. But you're driving, shouldn't you..."

"It takes a hell of a lot of alcohol for me to get drunk. I was getting into bars when I was in high school. My liver is probably a fucking mess by now."

"So back to the conversation..."

"Damn, and I thought that my diversion tactics would work."

Cas looked at Dean and gave him a small smile, "I have a feeling that this is a conversation you need to have, whether you are willing to admit it to yourself or not."

"Maybe. Or maybe I'll hate myself for opening up to the hot guy with the bluer than blue eyes. I guess I'll know tomorrow."

"Anyway," Cas continued. "You don't believe in love?"

"Oh no, I believe in it. I saw what it did to my old man when my mom died. I was just a kid, Sam was still a baby, but it fucked him up. Sam's girlfriend, the girl that he planned to marry, she died and I've seen what it's done to him. Bobby's wife died, and he never remarried. He's never even thought about it. So...they all fell in love just to have it taken away. Why would I do that to myself? Plus, there's not a chance in hell that I would be an easy person to love."

"You are complicated."

"Well, that's one way to put it. So I'm guessing that if you have no interest in a physical relationship, then any relationship is off the table for you."

"Yes, but that's another thing that I've never considered. Sex, love, relationships...none of it has ever made sense to me. It seems messy and complicated."

"You said that I'm complicated."

"Maybe that's why you wouldn't be an easy person to love," Cas grinned.

"Damn, it feels like you are putting me in my place. Sam would really appreciate this, not that I'll tell him about this conversation."

"What will you tell him?"

"What he expects to hear. That I'd hoped I could somehow get to you, offer you this life changing experience, and you shut me down completely. He loves nothing more than to hear about me getting shut down."

"Why?" Cas laughed.

"He's my baby brother. He gets sick of my shit."

"So, would it be life changing?"

"Why? Are you interested?" Dean winked.

"No, it's just a question. Sex has power, just like money and prestige. People kill for it and they die for it. Just because I'm not interested in doing it doesn't mean that I'm not interested in it. You, the way you walk around, your arrogance, there is power in that. You know how to make people notice you."

"Well, I think that this is the longest that I have been in a bar without getting a phone number, so there is a loophole in your theory."

"You aren't looking for a phone number. You haven't gotten up from this table."

"Aaand now that you said that I need to hit the little boys room. I'll be right back."

Cas watched him walk away. He really was physically striking, and there was a lot more to him than Cas expected. Dean was nothing like those who normally surrounded him. He was back at the crossroads of being both frightened and intrigued by Dean Winchester.

\-------------------------

Dean seemed fine. He wasn't tipsy at all, but Cas still wondered if he was okay to drive. Dean assured him that he'd driven after drinking a lot more than he had tonight. They walked outside to get some fresh air before Cas called for a cab. They were standing side by side, leaning against Dean's car trying to rid themselves of the smell of cigarettes and stale beer. Dean turned his head, "You really don't need to call a cab. I can drive you back to the motel."

"No it's okay," Cas turned to look at Dean and their eyes locked.

"I'll give you a ride."

"Dean..."

"I just want to know something."

"Okay, what?" Cas was a little tipsy and willing to keep their Q&A session going.

"Are you sure?"

"About the cab?"

"No, about you," Dean reached over and touched Cas's face. He expected him to recoil, but when he didn't, Dean leaned in and pressed their lips together. He could see the confusion that bordered on doubt, but there was something else in Cas's eyes when he pulled away, stroking Cas's cheek with his thumb. He leaned in again, encouraging Cas to part his lips, shivering when he felt their tongues slide together. He pulled Cas against him, pinning his own body between the car and Cas, deepening the kiss. His hand slid down Cas's back and squeezed his ass before sliding back up. He slipped his fingers through Cas's belt loops and softly ran his thumbs across the warm skin just above his waistband. It was dark and they were alone in the parking lot. "You say the word, and I'll stop," he whispered, moving his full lips along Cas's neck, pulling their bodies closer. They were both hard, he could feel it, and he desperately wanted to slide his hand between them. Cas moaned softly, digging his fingers into Dean's shoulders. Dean trailed his hand along Cas's stomach, resting it on his belt buckle, waiting for a signal that he wanted to be touched. Cas moved his hips back slightly, letting Dean kiss him again, letting Dean expertly undo his belt and top button of his his pants. Dean was gentle when he slid the zipper and reached for Cas's cock, slowly stroking. He felt the gasp against his mouth. "You're going to feel it build, relax and let it happen." He stroked, running his lips along Cas's jaw and across his neck, kissing and nipping. He could already feel the throbbing in his hand when he squeezed harder and stroked faster. "Dean..." Cas's voice was a strangled cry and Dean pulled him into a hungry kiss as he came, moaning against Dean's mouth, breathing heavily. Dean knew how to touch him, where to touch him, to keep the pleasure rolling until he was too sensitive. "Hold your shirt up for a minute," he whispered, opening the car door. "Move close, let me clean this up." Cas stood, trembling between his legs while he sat down and reached for a clean shop rag. He cleaned Cas's stomach and his own hand and tucked Cas back into his pants, even buckling his belt. His hands ran up and down Cas's thighs, stopping to cup and squeeze his ass. Cas was shaking and obviously confused. Dean stood up and pulled him close. "I don't know if I should be sorry about that..." he whispered. "I don't either. I don't know how to feel," Cas said softly. "Get in the car, I'll give you a ride back to the motel. Don't worry, I'll just drop you off. No expectations on my end, okay?" Cas just nodded and walked around the car to open the passenger door. He felt dizzy and lightheaded when he sat down and closed it, leaning his head back. They drove silently to the motel. Dean stopped and put it in park. "You okay?" Cas turned his head, feeling that same lump in his throat that he'd felt earlier in the day. "I don't know," he said honestly. He got out of the car, and Dean watched until he got into the motel before he pulled away and headed back to Bobby's. He didn't know what to think about what he had done, but he knew that he'd never hear from Cas again. The lights were out when he got home. He took off his boots and jacket and climbed onto the couch, pulling a blanket over him and tried to sleep. He could still smell Cas, feel him, hear him when he came. He knew that by tomorrow it would be just one of those things that happened, but he couldn't stop himself from feeling guilty. His hands were the only ones that had ever touched that body. He hadn't played fair, and he knew it. He finally fell asleep, haunted by blue eyes full of confusion.

\-------------------------

Dean was awake, but had his arm thrown over his eyes when he heard Sam come down the stairs. He could always tell Sam's long legged jumpy footsteps from Bobby's slow and lumbering ones. He heard noise coming from the kitchen and desperately wanted a cup of the coffee that Sam was brewing, but he wasn't ready to get up yet. He still felt like shit, he felt like he had taken something that didn't belong to him and he wanted to give it back. Asexual, shy, confused, whatever Cas was didn't matter. He'd been drinking and Dean hadn't kept himself in check. The smell of coffee finally tempted him enough to get up and stretch, dreading Sam's onslaught of questions.

\-------------------------

"Good morning, sunshine."

"Not in the mood, Sam," Dean mumbled, elbowing past his brother to pull a mug out of the cupboard.

"Hungover or sexually frustrated?"

"I thought we went over the whole 'not going to get laid' thing yesterday. And no, I'm not hungover."

"Huh, you're just not you're normally perky self this morning."

"Shut the fuck up, Sam."

"I'm just giving you shit. I have to admit that the idea of you hanging out with somebody without an end game is a little mind boggling. Normally you wouldn't waste your time. Unless this was like the ultimate challenge."

"Seriously, why are you so interested?" Dean finally turned to glare at his brother then sat down at the table and grabbed the newspaper, hoping to discourage Sam from talking to him.

"Fine, I'll drop it. You just aren't exactly the type of guy who goes out to make new friends. Anyway, Garth called last night."

"And?"

"And he's been tracking a nest. He's not sure how big it is, but he's been hunting solo. So, if there are more than a few vamps he's going to need back up."

"Back up on a vamp nest? Really?"

"Hey," Sam said, sitting down across from Dean. "You said that you wanted a hunt, you were hoping you'd run into a nest on the way to the store yesterday. It's better than nothing. Bobby can pass it off, but I told him we'd take it if we have to."

As much as Garth annoyed Dean, he had to admit that he did actually like the guy. A vamp nest wasn't exactly a challenge, but it was a hunt and a way to think about something other than how big of an asshole he was.

\-------------------------

Dean was outside sorting through the arsenal that they kept in the trunk when he felt his phone go off. He was hoping that it was Garth with some news, but when he looked at it, he didn't recognize the number. He knew who it was before he checked the message.

_"Hey, it's Cas. I hate that you probably feel guilty_  
_about last night. Don't. I told you, humans make_  
_decisions. I obviously made mine."_  


Dean just wrapped his hand around his phone and looked across the salvage yard. He didn't know how to respond, he didn't know if he should respond, and in all honesty he wasn't sure that he knew what Cas meant. He did know that Cas deserved an apology.

 _"I appreciate it, but I still feel like an asshole. I_  
_should have kept myself in check. You'd think that_  
_I could go one night without being 'that guy'._  
_Apparently not. Anyway, I'm sorry."_  


He hit send and shoved his phone back in his pocket. He was counting rock salt shotgun shells when he felt his phone again.

_"I'm not. Now I know that you really do learn_  
_something new every day."_  


Dean smiled and tried to think of a witty response, but nothing that would come on too strong when a new message popped up.

_"Hungry?"_  


He chuckled, put the box of shells back into the trunk, and closed it.

_"Why? Are you in the mood to drink coffee and_  
_watch me eat?"_

He was already headed back in the house when he felt it again.

_"Maybe. I'll be at the diner in an hour."_

Dean set his phone on the coffee table and started digging through his bag for clean clothes. He was zipping it back up when Sam walked in. "So Garth called me. Turns out it's a pretty big nest. He thinks at least a dozen, probably more. He's definitely going to need back up."

"Uh yeah, no problem. Let him know that we can head out later tonight or uh, tomorrow morning."

"Okay, do you have somewhere that you need to be?"

"Actually, I do. I'm just going to take a quick shower and head into town. I shouldn't be gone too long."

"What's going on?"

"Chances are, absolutely nothing." Dean headed up the stairs for a quick shower and possibly a shave if he needed it.

\-------------------------

Dean got to the diner first and had already ordered when Cas walked in. He slid into the booth and watched Dean flirt with the waitress. She had to be in her late 50's and was obviously flattered by the attention. He just smiled and said "coffee," when she finally noticed him. He had to laugh when she walked away. "Using your powers for good instead of evil?"

"Hey, it never hurts to make a lady smile. I don't always have an ulterior motive. Which brings me to a question, which one of us is supposed to feel nervous and awkward?"

"I think both."

"Ah, both. Okay well, I'm feeling it so I guess that means I'm keeping up my end of the deal."

"Dean, I couldn't leave town without seeing you."

"Okay, not to sound rude, but why is that?"

"Because I know that you feel guilty, and you shouldn't. I wasn't drunk and you told me that you'd stop if I wanted you to. I didn't tell you to stop, but I didn't know what to say afterwards. That's not your fault. I just never expected it. I mean I didn't know that..." Cas could feel the warmth in his cheeks and he could that tell that Dean was watching him. He sighed and lifted his eyes to meet Dean's. "We'll just call it a life changing experience."

"I wasn't trying to recruit."

"I know you weren't. That's why I didn't tell you to stop."

"So the goal here is to make me quit feeling like an asshole?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I won't argue," Dean finally smiled. "Damnit," he mumbled when his phone went off.

"Problem?"

"No, it's just my brother. He found us a job and the guy needs us there ASAP."

"We're leaving town soon so I'd better get back."

"Do you want a ride? No end game, just a friendly offer."

Cas smiled, "I know. We already decided that you don't always have an ulterior motive."

Dean pushed his plate away and dropped cash on the table, leaving a hefty tip, and following Cas outside. He knew it was wrong, but he still couldn't stop himself from watching his ass.

\-------------------------

Dean pulled into the motel lot and put the car into park. He still had a hard time looking at Cas. "Well, safe travels and good luck cleaning up those church messes."

"You have my number now."

"Yeah, but I'm going to leave that ball in your court."

"Dean..."

Dean finally turned his head and watched Cas lean in closely. He closed his eyes when he felt the gentle kiss and moaned softly when Cas parted his lips. He moved his body forward, pressing Cas against the seat, trying to comfortably settle between his legs. "This car looks a lot bigger from the outside," Cas whispered, sliding his hands up Dean's shirt. Dean was already hard and confused, but he wasn't going to fight it. He felt the groan in his chest when Cas slid his hand between them and timidly ran his palm down the length of his cock through his pants, cupping and squeezing him. Dean wished that he had a bed, even a couch where he could lay Cas down and make him feel things. He moved his lips across Cas's neck, kissing and nipping, rocking against his hand. He sat up and looked around the empty parking lot before he reached for Cas's belt. He needed to feel him again. He heard the sharp intake of breath when he slid the zipper down and wrapped his fingers around Cas, squeezing him gently. Cas's hand was still moving, sliding against him, fumbling with his buckle. He used his free hand to help, and gasped when Cas finally touched his cock. Dean slid Cas's shirt up, knowing that they were both going to come on his stomach, and bent down to press their lips together, stroking slowly, feeling Cas stroke him. The tension was already building when he lifted his head and opened his eyes, locking gazes with Cas while they tightened their hands and stroked faster. "Dean..." Cas whimpered. Dean could see it in his eyes, "just let it go," he whispered. He was throbbing and ready to come when he felt Cas's body tense and the warm sticky fluid started to drip down his fingers. He rocked his hips against Cas's hand and came with a strangled cry, watching Cas's slow smile. They were both panting when Dean sat up and reached for the clean shop rag that he usually kept in the back seat. He wiped Cas's stomach and both of their hands before tucking Cas back into his pants and doing up his own. Cas pulled him down into a long kiss finally letting him go and sitting up. "Your brain and your body have been miscommunicating for a long time," Dean said quietly, still trying to catch his breath. "I think they're on the same page now," Cas said, his eyes a shade of blue that Dean had never seen, that soft smile still crossing his lips. He reached out and touched Cas's face, "your eyes..." Cas laughed softly, "are you hitting on me?" Dean just winked. "The ball is still in your court." Cas leaned in for another deep kiss before getting out of the car and walking into the motel. He didn't even say goodbye. Dean shook his head and put the car into drive. It was time to go hunt vampires.

\-------------------------

Garth was sitting tight and waiting for them in Nebraska when Sam and Dean took a final inventory of the trunk. Dean slammed it shut and they waved to Bobby as they got in the car and headed up the gravel drive. 

"So how was your absolutely nothing?" 

"My what?" Dean asked, still replaying his afternoon.

"You said you had something to do, but chances are it would be absolutely nothing."

Dean had to hold back his laughter when he looked at Sam out of the corner of his eye and realized that his brother was sitting right where Cas had been laying while they gave each other hand jobs. "Why are you so fucking interested in this?"

"Because I've never seen you actually hang out with somebody just for the sake of hanging out with them."

"So I always have some kind of agenda?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"You're an asshole, Sam."

"Dean, you gave the guy your number. He told you that he's not interested, and not just not interested in you, not interested at all. Now all of a sudden you are best buds? I understand that you like a challenge, but I'm pretty sure you're just chasing your tail with this one."

"You don't think that I can be friends with a guy without wanting to get down his pants? He told me where he stands the first time we really talked, so I stopped trying. Turns out he actually likes who I am when I turn off all of the flirty fake bullshit. Give me some fucking credit. I can actually carry on a conversation and keep my dick in my pants. And why do you even care? It's not like you know the guy. Are you seriously that concerned for his well being? Worried that he might become my next victim? Not really your problem, Sam." He turned up the radio just loud enough to drown out the sound of his brother's voice. He wasn't about to tell Sam the truth, this was something that he needed to keep to himself.

\-------------------------

After a round of over exuberant hugs from Garth the brothers sat down with him and went over the plan. They couldn't hit the nest until the next night so they were stuck in a small town in the middle of Nebraska with nothing to do. Normally Dean would be in his element, but he reminded Sam that he had been driving for hours and just wanted to go to bed. After their conversation in the car, Sam just backed off and didn't say a word. 

\-------------------------

"Holy shit, that was a big fucking nest," Dean said, still breathing heavily. He looked over at Sam and Garth, both out of breath and covered in blood. These were the nights that Dean drove the posted speed limit and stopped at yellow lights. The last thing that he needed was to get pulled over when they looked the way that they did. They got back to the motel and snuck into their rooms without being seen. Dean was trying to carefully peel his jacket off without making a bloody mess when he heard his phone. He wiped off his hands and picked it up, ignoring Sam's pointed look.

 _"I'm not sure what the rules are when_  
_it comes to how long you are supposed to_  
_wait before you text or call. I just thought_  
_you might appreciate if the ball were in_  
_your court."_

Dean tried to hide his smile, he thought that he'd never hear from Cas again. 

_"You honestly think that I follow the rules? But,_  
_I'm not quite sure what to do here. I don't usually_  
_end up with the ball in my court. I hope you made_  
_it to your next 'clean up' safely."_

"Go ahead and take the first shower, Sam," he said, still looking at his phone. Sam just shook his head and dug some clean clothes out of his bag. 

_"We made it safely. Again, I am reminded of how_  
_evil humans can be. I guess you could call it job_  
_security. What about you? You said that your brother_  
_found you a job?"_

Dean heard Sam turn the water off and he started looking for clean clothes. He knew that Garth would be waiting for them to go get something to eat.

 _"We just got done helping a guy clean out his_  
_barn in Nebraska. I'm just waiting for my turn in_  
_the shower."_

Dean knew where a message like that would lead his thoughts, but he still didn't know if he'd created a monster.

_"Shower?"_

Now he knew. He couldn't believe that the sexy blue eyed shy asexual guy from the bar was actually interested. He never expected things to go this far, he never expected things to go anywhere.

 _"Yes, shower. Hot water (if there is any left)_  
_and soap. What direction is this conversation_  
_going?"_

He set his phone on the table when Sam opened the bathroom door and let out a plume of steam. "Did you leave me any hot water?"

"Probably, but we should hurry. I'm starving and Garth is waiting."

Dean didn't hear his phone go off as he walked away, but Sam looked down at it. The way that Dean had been guarding his phone, sending texts, Sam knew that there was something going on. A part of him wanted to check the new message, but he knew that Dean would kill him. He finished getting ready and waited for his brother.

\-------------------------

 _"I think that my brain and my body_  
_are in constant communication now."_

Dean smiled and sat down to pull his boots on, rivulets of water still running down his neck from his wet hair. He got his boots tied and picked up his phone. He didn't want to go too far, but he couldn't help himself. Cas was actually flirting.

 _"Hold that thought while I go get something to_  
_eat with my brother and another guy who was_  
_helping us. Thinking about your brain and your_  
_body is a little distracting..."_

Sam was waiting impatiently by the door. Normally Dean was the one who ended up waiting for him.

 _"Go enjoy your meal with no distractions._  
_The ball is in your court."_

Dean slid his phone into his pocket, picked up his clean jacket and keys, and pulled the door closed behind him, locking it with a smile on his face. This wasn't a chase, it was a slow walk and he had no idea why he was so intrigued by it.

\-------------------------

"Have you talked to Bobby?"

Sam looked up from where he was putting the plastic bag full of blood covered clothes into his duffle, "Yeah, he called earlier while you were out grabbing coffee and donuts. We have two options. A shapeshifter just outside of Minneapolis, or sitting around in Sioux Falls. Take your pick."

Dean groaned. He hated shapeshifters, but he hated sitting around waiting for a hunt even more. "Call him back and tell him we'll head to Minneapolis. Let's not tell Garth about this one. He's a nice kid, but I can only take so much."

Sam laughed, "I'm actually going to agree with you on that one. I'll let Bobby know that we're ready to head out and get the details."

Dean decided to shoot off a quick text while Sam was on the phone with Bobby. He figured that it was time to try blunt.

 _"So, it looks like I lost the ball. We can't put it_  
_in anybody's court anymore. I guess that we're_  
_just going to have to say what we want when_  
_we want. I'm headed to Minneapolis, but the_  
_next time you're near Sioux Falls, I want to_  
_see you."_

"So, according to Bobby this thing has been around for awhile. Are you listening to me?"

"Yes I'm listening to you, what does awhile mean?"

"I have no idea, but it's gone underground. This one is going to be ugly. We can head back to Bobby's." Sam knew how much his brother hated shapeshifters.

"No, we're good. It doesn't matter how long they've been around, tracking them still fucking sucks. Let's go." Dean looked around the room to make sure they hadn't forgotten anything while Sam loaded up the car.

_"I'll be in St. Paul tomorrow..."_

Dean just stared at his phone. Part of him wondered what Sam would say about him taking off for St. Paul after the hunt, part of him didn't care what Sam thought. Even if they spent almost every waking moment together, his private life was his business.

 _"This job will take a couple of days, but I_  
_really do want to see you. Too bold?"_

The response came through right away.

_"Not at all. Let me know."_

Dean walked out of the room, threw his bag in the backseat, turned up the volume, and headed north. He had no idea what to expect when he finished this hunt.

\-------------------------

Sam had a map of the underground utility tunnel system of Minneapolis pulled up on his computer, Dean was looking at a map of the twin cities, wondering where in St. Paul Cas would be. "Now it looks like we should probably start about right here," Sam said, turning his computer around. Dean looked up and watched Sam point to an intersection. "Okay, I have no idea where that is."

"It's just a few miles from here. I pulled up some articles, it looks like this one has been around for awhile and it's been busy."

"So I'm guessing that means we get to do our sightseeing underground?"

"Yep."

"Awesome. I fucking hate shapeshifters."

\-------------------------

The humid stench was suffocating. Dean flipped on his flashlight when Sam pulled the manhole cover, closing them in the tunnel. The sound of water dripping, rats scattering and screeching when they heard the brother's foot falls or sensed the light, it all drove Dean crazy. They must have walked close to a mile when they found the gelatinous flesh colored puddle, randomly peppered with teeth and hair. It always nauseated Dean, "Well, I can give you a one hundred percent guarantee that the fucker has been here."

"Then let's keep moving," Sam said quietly, pulling his silver blade out and walking slowly down the tunnel.

\-------------------------

Dean was frustrated. They'd been down in the sewers for hours. He was ready to lose it when they reached a locked iron gate. They were going to have to back track. He told himself that he was just going to climb the first ladder that he saw when he heard the sluggish footsteps and felt something behind him. He nudged Sam silently. The shapeshifter had been down there the entire time, tracking them. They were cornered. Dean turned and was knocked to the ground, his head bouncing on the fetid concrete. He could hear the grunting and soft thuds of a fight going on above him. He reached for his blade and turned to shine his flashlight up. The shapeshifter had Sam against the wall by the throat. He pulled himself up and in one quick motion, he shoved his blade into the shapeshifter's back. "Let's go," he said to Sam, pulling it out and wiping it on his pants. "Right behind you," Sam groaned.

\-------------------------

He expected an argument, or at least a lot of questions when he told Sam that he was going out, insinuating that he was going alone. Sam just shrugged and grabbed the remote before dropping onto his bed. Dean could see the marks on Sam's neck where the shapeshifter had squeezed, and he legitimately felt bad for his brother, but staying with him in a cheap motel room wasn't going to make him feel any better. Besides a small headache and some scrapes on his cheekbone and forehead, Dean had walked away unscathed. 

"You sure you don't need anything?"

"Yeah, I'm sure," Sam said quietly. "That thing kicked my ass. I'm going to be hurting tomorrow."

"Well, if you get hungry, just order take out."

"I'm just going to try to sleep this one off." Sam knew that Dean was going to be out looking for a hook up and he was in no mood for the noise and the crowd.

"Okay, well uh, call me if you need anything."

Sam just nodded and started flipping through the channels looking for something that might entertain him until he could drift off.

\-------------------------

Dean started his car and pulled his phone out of his pocket.

 _"I'll probably be there in about 30. Does that_  
_work?"_

He waited for a response:

_"That works."_

He pulled up the map on his phone and headed towards the Regal Inn room 9.

\-------------------------

He didn't realize that he was nervous until he got to the door. He never made plans, he just went out. He took a deep breath and knocked. The light from the small lamp outlining Cas's body and the shy humility in his blue eyes made Dean smile. He could see the color start creeping up Cas's neck when he opened the door wider and stepped back, letting Dean past him and into his room.

"So you're working this one solo?"

"My business associate was called back to the home office so I offered to stay behind and finish up."

"Lucky me," Dean grinned He pulled Cas to him, pressing his lips against his temple when he felt Cas's arms slide around him. "Are you hungry? Do you want to go eat?" he murmured. "And I don't mean drink a cup of coffee while I eat, I mean an actual meal."

Cas tilted his head back and looked at Dean, surprised by the invitation. "Um, sure just let me grab a jacket." Dean lifted Cas's chin and kissed him gently.

\-------------------------

"What happened to your face?" Cas questioned, looking around the restaurant. It was obvious that Dean had actually put some thought into it, and he wasn't sure what to think.

"You don't like my face?" Dean grinned. 

"I didn't mean..."

"As it turns out, exterminating and power washing waste water tunnels isn't as easy or as glamorous as it sounds. At least I had my face to cushion the fall. Speaking of power washing, how's the church clean up thing going?"

"It's never ending. People don't want to take responsibility for their actions, they rely on us to do it for them."

"Meaning?"

"People make bad choices. They lie or steal or cause pain and they want a way to justify it, so they call us."

"So if I made you a list of all of the 'bad' things that I've done, you could come up with a reason why? Not that I'd actually let you read that list," Dean winked.

"Anybody can come up with a reason why, it's just a matter of what your intentions were."

"Then there is no chance in hell you'll ever read my list."

Cas just laughed and shook his head. He was having a hard time reconciling that this guy sitting across from him, a guy who had actually planned a date and was doing everything right, was the same guy who took his phone out of his pocket in a dive bar in Sioux Falls. "That bad?"

"You have no idea."

"Why do I get the feeling that you would rather somebody know that side of you than the real you?"

"Are we back to the 'this guy/that guy' thing?"

"I guess so."

"Honestly, I really don't want anyone to know anything about me. I probably have enough issues to be either a shrink's dream or worst nightmare. That would depend on the shrink. I'm not really selling myself very well, am I?"

"You don't have to sell yourself, Dean. Just be honest."

Dean took a drink and watched Cas push his food around on his plate. He didn't know what to say. His life, the way he lived, the things that he'd done...those weren't things that he could talk about. How do you tell somebody that your mother was killed by a demon? That you spent your childhood being dragged around the country by a father who was obsessed with finding that demon, a father who taught you nothing other than how to be a good little soldier and kill? Killing, sex, and alcohol had always been the things that fueled him. "Yeah, well, I'm not exactly an expert in that area."

"Why?"

"Wow, that is more of a million dollar question than the one I asked you at the diner."

"One that you aren't going answer?"

"More like one that I don't know how to answer."

"Fair enough," Cas smiled. "Are you ready to go?"

Dean paid for dinner, held the door open, and rested his hand against Cas's lower back when he let him walk past. 

The pulled up at the motel and Cas turned to him, "Are you coming in?" Dean didn't even answer. He shut off the engine and pocketed the keys, following Cas into his room.

\-------------------------

The door had barely clicked shut when Dean reached for the lock and held Cas against it with his body. Their lips came together in a deep kiss. Cas's hands were no longer timid when he ran them under Dean's shirt and up his sides, moving around his back to hold him closer. They were shrugging off jackets and pulling off shoes, still touching and kissing as they moved to the bed and Cas laid back, pulling Dean to him. He leaned his head back when he felt the full lips run across his neck, Dean made him feel things that he didn't know were possible. Rough hands turned soft when they touched his skin, slipping his shirt off, his mouth leaving a trail of kisses and gentle bites across his chest, stopping to pull a sensitive nipple between his teeth. Cas felt the shiver and moaned at the loss of body heat when Dean sat up between his legs and pulled his own shirt over his head, looking at Cas's body, tracing the subtle ridges of muscle with his fingers. He was hard, his cock pressing painfully against his pants. Cas could see the need in his eyes, he could feel his own when he reached out and cupped Dean's crotch, running his thumb against his zipper before fumbling to get his belt undone. Dean couldn't take anymore, he had to feel Cas's skin against his. He slid their pants off, running his hands up Cas's thighs and settled between his legs, pinning him to the mattress. Their lips met passionately, their bodies pressed together, trapping their hard cocks between them. Dean was slowly rocking his hips, listening to the sharp intake of breath, feeling Cas's smooth skin beneath him. He held himself up on his elbows, searching Cas's face, finally locking gazes. He saw things that didn't make sense to him, his desperate need to satisfy Cas, a sudden protectiveness. "Those eyes..." he said quietly, still slowly rocking, feeling the tension build. He held Cas in a long kiss, their tongues sliding together when he started to rock harder, faster. Cas arched and moaned, running his hands across Dean's shoulders and down his back, digging his fingers into his flesh, intensifying the friction. He was already throbbing when he tilted his hips and met Dean's rhythm. His legs tensed against Dean's hips and he cried out when he came, engulfed in a dizzying haze of pleasure, intoxicated by the heady scent of Dean's skin and sex. He heard the loud groan as a distant echo and felt the warmth spreading against his stomach when Dean's body relaxed. He was trembling, holding Dean close and trying to catch his breath. He could feel both of their hearts pounding against his chest and the full lips on his neck and throat. "You okay?" Dean whispered, gently nipping his earlobe. "I think so," he panted. He tightened his arms, not ready to let go, not yet. The sweat and body heat finally became too much and Dean rolled onto his back, reaching for Cas's hand, pulling it to his lips. Dean turned his head and looked at Cas, "I need you to know that I didn't come here expecting that," he said softly. "But I was hoping." Cas turned and they started to lose themselves in each others eyes. "Was it..." Cas trailed off. Dean gently kissed Cas's knuckles and rolled on his side. "It was more. It was better. Let's go use up all of the hot water in the shower."

Cas leaned his body against Dean's and let him run his soapy hands over him. He turned in his arms and they kissed, a long and lingering kiss under the warm water. Cas had no idea that feelings like this even existed.

\-------------------------

Cas just watched Dean standing in the middle of the room with a towel wrapped loosely around his hips, looking at where his clothes had landed. "Do you have to get back to Minneapolis?"

"Eventually. Although I suppose I could tell Sam that he needs to take a bus back to Sioux Falls," Dean smiled. "Or," he said, moving across the room to place a hand on either side of Cas's face. "I can set the alarm on my phone and get up early." He leaned in and kissed the tender lips. He knew that his lips, his hands, where the first and only ones that had ever touched Cas. He leaned back and ran his thumb along Cas's cheekbone. "Which is what I'd rather do." Cas just nodded and Dean set his phone on the nightstand, dropped the towel, and crawling back into bed, turning off the lamp. He laid on his side and pulled Cas to him, his warm breath on the back of Cas's neck causing a visible shiver. "I don't know what it means, and I'm not trying to freak you out, but I just want you to know that I never stay. There's something different about you." Cas reached up and wrapped his hands around Dean's arms, holding him tight. He didn't know what to say, but he knew that he didn't need to say anything. He eventually heard a soft snore and laid awake in the dark wondering how they ended up where they were.

\-------------------------

Cas watched Dean begrudgingly roll out of bed and look for his clothes on the floor. He watched him get dressed and started to sit up when Dean sat on the edge of the bed to pull his boots on. He pressed his chest against Dean's back and rested his chin on his shoulder. "You lay back down and I'll show myself out. I want my last visual of you to be in bed naked with a sheet covering the important parts." Dean grinned, turning for a long kiss goodbye before he got up and grabbed his jacket, took one last look, and walked out, pulling the door closed behind him. He got in his car and set the map on his phone to show him the way back to the cheap motel in Minneapolis. 

\-------------------------

"Thanks," Sam mumbled, taking the hot cup of coffee from Dean's outstretched hand. "Must have been a good night, you never roll in this late."

"I guess you could say that it was productive," Dean smiled. "But, I passed out and then showed myself to the door early." He wasn't lying, not really. He picked up his bag and dropped it on the bed, rearranging his things.

"Well, at least you'll be in a good mood during the drive back to Bobby's," Sam yawned. 

"What are you talking about? I'm always a pleasure to be around."

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that."

"Somebody seemed to think that I am."

"Dean, I do not need details."

"Wasn't going to give 'em. Now pack your bag and lets go."

They threw everything into the car and headed towards the highway. Sam looked at his brother's face while he sang along to the classic rock that he insisted upon blaring and silently thanked whoever it was that dragged Dean home with them last night. Other than the music, it would be a peaceful drive.

\-------------------------

Dean looked up and watched Sam walk into the gas station to grab more coffee and pay for gas. He'd only slept for a couple of hours and they still had a long drive ahead of them. He pulled his phone out of his pocket.

 _"I hope you rolled over and went back to_  
_sleep after I left."_

He put his phone away when he saw Sam nod and smile at the cashier as he pushed the heavy door open and started walking his way. 

They got to Bobby's late and Dean just dropped his bag on the floor before pulling off his boots and jacket and laying down on the couch. He checked his phone one last time and he pulled a blanket over him. There were still zero new messages. He rolled away from the sound of Sam and Bobby's voices and tried to fall asleep.

\-------------------------

They'd been at Bobby's for a few days, and Dean still hadn't heard from Cas. He wouldn't admit how much it bothered him, he just immersed himself in giving his car an oil change, a full tune up, fixing things that weren't really broken. He was walking in the house to re-stock his beer cooler when he heard Sam and Bobby talking.

"If you look at the articles, the timing is right."

"Yeah, it makes sense. Do you boys want to take it? I know that Martin is pretty close by, I can give him a call."

"It looks pretty cut and dry, Martin can handle it..."

"Handle what?" Dean asked from the doorway.

"Looks like they got a werewolf problem in Illinois."

"Don't call Martin, I'll take it."

"Dean, we really don't need to..."

"I didn't say 'we', Sam. I'll take it. I could use a little 'me' time."

"You want to hunt alone?"

"What? Like I've never hunted alone before? You've hunted alone before. We're not fucking siamese twins, Sam."

"It's conjoined twins."

"Okay, conjoined twins. We're not attached at the hip. Now I get that normally it takes us getting into a hell of a fight before one of us takes off, do you really want to keep this argument going?"

"Will you two knock that shit off?" Bobby intervened. "Sam, your brother is not only a grown man but probably the best damn hunter out there. If he wants to go, then back the hell off. He's smart enough to call if he needs back up."

Sam just held his hands up and took a step back, "Fine, okay, I get it."

"So, where are we at in the cycle?" Dean asked.

"Next full moon is Wednesday night, you've got two days to get there and take care of it. It's not a big town, I don't think you're going to have to talk to the medical examiner but you will have to interview a few folks. I'll get you a list of names. You get your stuff packed and ready, you're going to need to head out tonight."

"Yeah, I got it. Thanks Bobby." 

\-------------------------

Dean was road weary when he set his bag on the floor and let his body fall onto the cheap motel room beds. He needed some sleep before he could put on the suit and pose as an FBI agent investigating a string of strange deaths. He hadn't even bothered to kick off his boots and was already drifting off when he felt his phone in his pocket. 

_"My battery died and something came_  
_up at work. I haven't had coverage for the_  
_last few days. I just now got your message._  
_If you are still wondering, I didn't fall asleep_  
_after you left. I couldn't."_

Dean didn't realize that he'd sighed in relief, but he felt the smile on his face.

_"Why is that?"_

He'd been ready to write that whole night off as just a one time thing, even if he didn't want to.

_"The bed was too cold."_

His smile widened. 

_"Sorry about that. So, are you working?"_

His vision was getting blurry and he couldn't stop yawning. He set his phone on his chest and finally reached down to take his boots off. He yawned again and crawled under the blanket.

 _"I'm always working. I have a lot of job_  
_security."_

He was almost asleep, he could barely keep his eyes open.

 _"I really don't want to cut this short, but I've_  
_been driving all day. I'm about to fall asleep_  
_on you. I'm in Illinois, I know that there's not_  
_a chance in hell you might be anywhere_  
_nearby, but a guy can hope. I'll text you tomorrow."_

He dropped his phone on the bed next to him and was already asleep before it went off.

\-------------------------

_"No, I'm not anywhere near Illinois."_

Dean was disappointed, but at least he could focus on his hunt. He put on his FBI suit and left the cheap motel to start his interviews. He hated his FBI suit, Sam was better at interviewing than he was, and he learned that they were tight lipped in this small town. This was a werewolf hunt and timing was everything. He needed to call Bobby and get his opinion. He didn't realize that he hadn't responded to Cas until he pulled his phone out of his pocket.

 _"Well, I guess that all hope is lost. Would I_  
_have to put it on my 'bad' list if I really_  
_wanted a church scandal to go down_  
_somewhere close by?"_

He pulled up Bobby's number and started pacing. They went over the interviews, they went over the articles that Bobby and Sam had found, and they put the puzzle together. Dean wasn't happy with the results, but he had a job to do.

\-------------------------

 _"Yes, you would probably have to put_  
_that on your list, but you said that I'm not_  
_allowed to see it anyway. How long are_  
_you going to be in Illinois?"_

Dean was trying to figure out how to kill time in a small town. The full moon wasn't until tomorrow night, and there didn't seem to be a whole lot around to entertain him. He figured a burger, some beer, and bad motel cable were going to have to get him through the night. 

_"This job should be done by Thursday morning._  
_I'll probably be heading back home after that."_

He found the classic movie channel and settled on a horror movie marathon. Knowing the things that he knew, seeing the things that he'd seen, these movies were more like comedy.

 _"I could be there by Thursday. But, I'm going_  
_to guess that your brother wouldn't be very_  
_happy about staying an extra day."_

It was moments like this when Dean silently thanked Sam for making him drag around a laptop. The only perk the motel offered was free wifi, at least he had that going for him. He sat at the table and started looking for nearby towns. There was a college town about 20 miles away, he'd probably find what he needed there.

 _"My brother isn't with me. I'm working this_  
_one alone."_

He started scrolling through the list of motels and hotels. He was used to the saggy mattresses and lingering smell of mold in the places where they normally stayed. Hell, these were the type of rooms that he'd practically been raised in. But, he wasn't going to bring Cas to a place like this.

 _"Does that mean that you wouldn't mind putting_  
_off the drive home for a day?"_

Dean knew that he couldn't go over the top, nothing five or even four star. It wasn't him. He would feel out of place, like he was trying too hard, but the least he could do was find something with a no cockroach guarantee.

_"Did you really just ask me that?"_

He found what he was looking for. Even if the timing didn't work out, at least he could enjoy a nice room alone for once.

 _"Ever since you got rid of the ball, I_  
_don't know who's court it's in. I'm kind of_  
_new at this."_

He pulled a credit card out of his wallet. It didn't have his name on it, but it was still a credit card. He made the reservation online and waited for the email confirmation.

 _"Okay, you're right. So no, I wouldn't mind_  
_putting off the drive home. And, I can stop_  
_hoping for a church scandal."_

He finally got the email. The credit card number had gone through and he was all set. He had all day tomorrow to lug his stuff over there before he needed to be back to finish his hunt.

_"Were you really hoping for a church scandal?"_

He started looking online for restaurants, bars, even movie theaters, all while running a mental list of the things that he'd need to hide. The weapons, of course, but he also couldn't let Cas see any of the phony ID's. The FBI suit probably needed to go in the trunk, there would be no way to explain why he had it.

 _"If I thought that I would get to see you because_  
_of it, yes."_

He got up and pulled another beer out of the cooler that he'd dragged into the room. 

_"Where do you want to meet?"_

He texted Cas the name and address of the hotel. He closed his laptop and went to sit back on the bed. He figured after a few more beers and another bad movie, he'd be able to fall asleep.

\-------------------------

Dean packed up his car and returned the key to the motel clerk. He'd already paid for another night, but he didn't bother asking for his money back. He drove the 20 miles, found the hotel, and dug through his stack of ID's, looking for the one that matched the name on the credit card. He slid it into his wallet, grabbed his bag, and checked in.

The room didn't smell of stale cigarette smoke and cheap air freshener. The windows weren't covered by thick brocade black out curtains that were frayed at the edges. The sheets weren't threadbare. Different versions of the same painting didn't hang on every wall. Dean set his bag on a chair and walked across the room to open the glass door. He stood on the balcony that was three stories from the street and looked around, watching people and cars. No, it wasn't five stars, but it was exactly what he wanted.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket to call Sam and Bobby. Even though they both knew that he was a good enough hunter to be out alone, they still wanted to hear from him before and after the hunt. He went downstairs to grab something to eat in the attached coffee shop, found the nearest store to pick up a bottle of scotch, and went back to the room to crawl into the large bed. He pulled the thick comforter over him and tried to take a nap. He knew it was going to be a long night.

\-------------------------

There was a silver round in the chamber, and more in the clip, but he knew that he could do this with one shot. He needed to do this with one shot. He tracked the werewolf to a small house on the edge of the small town and waited. He made his way inside when the moon started to rise and found it, it wasn't expecting him and didn't have time to attack. It had already started to turn when he pulled the trigger from a few feet away and watched it's body drop. He turned silently and left. His eye was drawn to something metallic laying in the grass next to the front porch. He reached down and picked up the knife. Not only was it a werewolf, but it had been armed. He didn't look at it, he just tossed it, and the gun, into the trunk of his car and slammed it shut a little too hard. He sent Sam a text letting him know that the job was done and he was okay before he got in the car and started the engine. The music was loud when he drove out of town, he sang along to distract himself and knew that he'd pour a heavy glass of scotch when he got back to the hotel. He'd spent most of his life being told that by hunting things they were saving people, and he believed it. He'd always believed it. Vampires, werewolves, even demons, they were all stone cold killers that used to be human. Most of them didn't ask to be turned into the monsters that they became. Even though he knew that he had a job to do, an important job, that didn't mean he had to feel good about putting a silver bullet into what used to be a 24 year old bookstore clerk named Elizabeth.

\-------------------------

His hair was still damp from the shower when he sat down on the bed with his drink and picked up the remote control. It was nights like this that he would tell Sam if anything ever happened, if he was ever in a position of becoming one of them, he wanted Sam to kill him. Dean's biggest fear was becoming one of the creatures that he hunted.

\------------------------- 

He had asked Cas to meet him downstairs. He wanted to go out, and didn't want the temptation of the comfortable bed stopping them. They had all night, and there was something that he wanted to do. Cas had just stepped through the door when Dean walked out of the elevator. Those blue eyes, it would always be those blue eyes. He crossed the lobby and wrapped his arms around Cas, kissing him softly and breathing a sigh of relief when he felt Cas's arms pull him close. "I'm glad you made it," Dean murmured, letting go and stepping back. Cas was looking around nervously. "Hey, are you okay? Did I cross the line with the, you know, huggy kissy stuff?" Dean asked.

"No, I just..."

"Hey, if it doesn't bother you, and it doesn't bother me, it probably doesn't bother most of them. Considering that we are in a college town, I can almost guarantee that nobody even pays attention."

"I'm still new at this," Cas said quietly, reaching for Dean's hand. Dean smiled when he felt their fingers intertwine and he pulled Cas's hand to his mouth, kissing each knuckle softly. 

\-------------------------

Cas turned and just looked at him when he pulled into the bar parking lot. "Yes, it's a bar, but rumor has it they actually serve good food and you never did take me up on my offer."

"What offer was that?"

"I am going to teach you how to shoot pool," Dean smiled. He held his hand out and waited for Cas to grab it before they crossed the lot and went into the bar.

\-------------------------

Cas was sitting on a high bar stool next to the table watching Dean configure the pool balls into the rack. They had already ordered their food and had started on their first beers of the night. It was a weeknight and the bar wasn't too crowded, but with only two pool tables Dean knew that eventually somebody would come along and challenge him to take the table. He called Cas over and started explaining the rules of eight ball. He grabbed a pool stick and lined up to make the break when they were approached. "Next game?"

Dean stood up and looked at the guy standing by the other end of the pool table. He was obviously a student from the college and reminded him a little bit of Sam. "Actually this is kind of a teaching thing, so if you don't mind letting us get in a couple of games I'll give you the table when we're done."

"Teaching thing? So he doesn't play?"

"No."

"Okay, so neither does my girlfriend and I've been trying to talk her into it. How about we play teams? Me and my girlfriend against you and your boyfriend."

"I don't know, Cas?" Dean said, turning around.

"I don't mind. If she doesn't know how to play either, then maybe I won't look so bad."

Dean smiled at him and turned back to the college kid, holding his hand out, "Dean."

"I'm Jordan," he said, gripping Dean's hand then reaching for Cas's.

"Cas."

"Nice to meet you Dean and Cas. Let me go grab Alyssa, that's my girlfriend. She's probably going to kill me for this."

Cas and Dean watched him walk away and Dean shrugged, "I didn't see that coming. Are you sure you're okay with it?"

"Yes, it might be fun. We can find out who's the better teacher."

Dean reached for Cas and wrapped his arm around his waist, pulling him close for a quick kiss. "Is that a challenge?" he asked. "Because you should never challenge Dean Winchester at the pool table."

"I think that I just did."

"Challenge accepted," Dean murmured, kissing Cas again before letting go and turning around. Jordan walked up with a cute blonde in tow and made the introductions. 

"I don't know about this, Jordan. I really don't want..."

"You have to," Dean interrupted. "Cas here just threw down the gauntlet. He said that he wants to know who's the better teacher. You have to defend your man's honor," he winked. "How about Jordan and I play the first game, you two can watch. Second game we'll play teams."

With a lot of shrugging and nodding, Dean and Jordan picked up pool sticks and Dean lined up for the break.

\-------------------------

"How long have you guys been together?" Alyssa asked, watching Dean take the shot.

"Um, not long," Cas answered. He didn't really know what the right answer was. He didn't really know what together meant.

"Really? Well he seems like a keeper. Very hot, very into you."

"How long have you been together?"

"Two years, and I know that he's a keeper," Alyssa finally turned to Cas and smiled. "I had to date a lot of assholes before I finally found Jordan. I'm sorry that he kind of dragged us into the middle of your date."

"Uh no, it's fine. Dean offered to teach me to play pool the first night we met, but he didn't get the chance. This is the best of both worlds for him, he can play somebody who knows what they are doing, and teach me."

"Was that his pick up line?"

Cas started to laugh, "I guess it was." If he didn't think that Dean would get mad, he would tell her about Dean taking his phone out of his pocket.

"What's so funny?" Dean asked, walking up behind Cas. 

"She was just telling me a joke about a priest and a rabbi," Cas said, trying to keep a straight face.

"It's always something church related with you," Dean grinned and dropped a quick kiss on the top of his head, turning his attention to the plates of food that had just been set on the table.

"With those green eyes and that smile, don't let him go," Alyssa said quietly. 

\-------------------------

"I swear, you keep holding this thing wrong on purpose so that I have to stand behind you and wrap my arms around you," Dean whispered in Cas's ear while he was showing him how to place his hands on the pool stick. "You wouldn't believe the things that I have to think about to keep myself from getting hard." 

"Okay, this is the last time."

"You are officially on your own now. Take your shot and let's show them who the better teacher is." Dean stepped away and watched. He was impressed, Cas seemed to be catching on. Dean hadn't felt this relaxed in a long time. The food was good, the beer was cold, the college kids were fun, and Cas...well Cas was just Cas.

Dean was finally crowned the better teacher and after a round of hugs and handshakes they watched Jordan and Alyssa leave the bar. Dean cleared the table by himself and stepped back until he felt Cas's chest against him. Cas wrapped one arm around his stomach and rested his chin on his shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Dean leaned further back and let Cas pull him close. As fun as the night had been, what he'd been doing 24 hours ago still bothered him. "Do you want to get out of here?"

"Yeah," Cas whispered, handing Dean his jacket and waiting for him to put everything away before reaching for his hand.

\-------------------------

Dean didn't hold Cas against the door and kiss him desperately. He touched him with tender hands and stripped him slowly, his eyes roaming over every inch of his body. Cas was beautiful. He was smart. He was funny. He was sweet. He was everything that Dean Winchester didn't deserve. Dean treated his body almost reverently, running his work calloused hands over the supple skin, disrupting the fine sheen of sweat. His lips slid across his neck, kissing and gently sucking, knowing that he was pulling blood to the surface but not caring. He moved down his body slowly, his trailing fingers leaving goosebumps in their wake, his mouth eliciting gasps and low moans. Cas arched when Dean ran his tongue up the silky skin of his shaft, groaning when he took the head of his cock into his mouth, softly sucking and swirling his tongue. He crawled his way back up Cas's body when the throbbing started. Cas couldn't come, not yet. Dean reached for his hands and held them above his head, leaning down, pressing their bodies together, leaning in for a slow kiss. Cas parted his lips, sliding their tongues together to deepen it. They were breathless when Dean let go of Cas's hands and tilted his head back, staring into those eyes, feeling a need that he'd never felt before. He found comfort and passion in Cas's body, the way that Cas touched him, the way that Cas kissed him. "I want to be inside of you," he whispered, running his fingers down Cas's cheek. "Okay," Cas said softly. Dean's eyes searched his face, his soft lips, his flush cheeks, his eyes full of trust. Dean kissed him again, soft yet hungry, slowly sitting up to slide a pillow under his hips and digging in his bag for the small bottle. He spread Cas's legs and dripped lube on his fingers, reaching down to gently rub him, pressing against his virgin hole, finally slipping one inside. He moved it in and out, bending down to hold their lips together, his mouth absorbing the groan after he slid in a second finger. Cas closed his eyes and clenched his jaw until Dean grazed the spot inside of him that sent waves through his body. There was pain, but there was a pleasure that he couldn't describe. His mouth fell open, his face caught between a wince and a smile. He shifted his hips and rocked, needing to feel Dean touch him. The third finger was almost too much to take, but together they could find that spot, the spot that made him whimper and writhe. Dean dripped lube on his cock and slid it inside of Cas in one motion, burying it deep. It was a white hot pain that took Cas's breath away. "I know, baby," Dean whispered. "I won't move until you're ready." Cas was so tight, but so eager that Dean was almost ready to come. He moved his lips across Cas's neck and cheeks, catching him in a deep kiss. Their bodies started to rock, tilting and shifting until Dean's cock found the place inside of Cas that engulfed him in an intensity that had him digging his fingers into Dean's arms, his shoulders, his back. He begged to be touched, his eyes rolling back when he felt the slow stroking that matched the rhythm of their hips. He felt the pressure, it was building. He spread his legs and arched his body, sliding against Dean. He couldn't feel the hand around him when his entire body tensed and he cried out. The warmth spread between them when Dean moved his hand and pressed their bodies together, thrusting until he buried himself and came hard, groaning and unable to catch his breath. He could feel that Cas was in another place when he let his body sink and Cas wrapped his arms around him, holding him close. He propped himself up on his elbows and searched Cas's face again, the slow smile, the lust blown pupils. "Are you okay?" Dean panted. Cas moved his eyes and they locked gazes, "I don't even know what to say," Cas whispered. He saw things in those emerald green eyes. Secrets and pain, a depth of emotion, need. He ran his hand up the back of Dean's neck, touching his tender and swollen lips against the beautiful full lips that made him feel things. They laid together, close and entangled until Dean could feel the weight and heat from his body becoming too much and he rolled onto his back, reaching for Cas's hand. He pulled it to his lips and held it there, unable to let go.

\-------------------------

They showered and dried each other off with the thick soft towels. Dean surprised Cas by putting his boxers and jeans back on, pouring a drink, and going out to the balcony. Cas pulled on his boxers and jeans and followed him. Dean was leaning against the railing, looking at the moon that had been full the night before. Cas wrapped one arm around him and Dean reached down to hold it against his stomach while Cas softly kissed the back of his neck and shoulders. "Are you okay?" he asked, resting his chin on Dean's shoulder.

Dean sighed, "Yeah, I'm okay baby."

"Why don't I believe you?"

Dean took a sip of his drink and pressed Cas's arm against him. "I don't know, maybe I'm not okay. I don't deserve what just happened in there. I don't deserve the trust that I see on your face."

"Why?" Cas wrapped his other arm around Dean, knowing that he just needed feel him.

"Everything that I touch breaks."

"I won't."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, Dean, I do. When you feel things, you feel them too deeply. I don't know what's going on with you, but there is obviously something."

Dean sighed and dropped his head, "This job that I came here to do, it was pest removal. I had to put an animal down, and the animal didn't deserve it. It was sick and it was dangerous, but that wasn't it's fault. It's not the first time I've had to do it, but this one just got to me. It felt wrong. And then you're here and it's like nothing else matters. I mean the bar...I can't remember the last time I felt that, I don't know, human I guess. We come back here and you give yourself to me without question. It was...it was like nothing I've ever experienced before. You don't have to believe me, but I have no reason to lie."

"I know that you don't, and I do believe you. The job that you came here to do, it was a job. Sometimes our lives take ugly detours."

"My life is a string of ugly with a few amazing detours. In the last 24 hours I've had ugly and amazing and I'm trying to wrap my head around it."

"You can't take back the ugly, so just let this be amazing."

"You know, a part of me can't figure out why I am chasing you. An even bigger part can't figure out why you are letting me."

"I came to you this time."

"Why?"

"Honestly, I don't think that either one of us can explain it, but we both feel it. We both thought that this would never happen, that it couldn't happen, and you dropped your guard."

"Yeah, I did. I have. It scares the shit out of me." Dean just stared silently at the moon, lost in his thoughts. When he finally spoke, it was quiet, melancholy. "My mom died when I was four. My dad died not too long ago. Sam left for college when he was 18 and for four years I barely saw him. The only reason he came back was because his girlfriend was killed. The way we were raised, the way that we live...people we care about don't last long. Maybe we're the ugly detour."

"I came here for you. I needed to see you. There is nothing ugly about that."

Dean finally turned in Cas's arms. "When do you have to go back?"

"Monday. Ironically enough they don't make us work on Sundays. You'd think that would be our busiest day."

Dean actually smiled, "So stay with me. Just for a couple of days. Sam and Bobby expected me to leave today but I told them that I blew a radiator hose and that the town I was in was so small that the auto shop didn't have one. As far as they know, I'm stranded."

"Then let's stay until you get your new radiator hose," Cas grinned, kissing Dean softly. Dean wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close.

"I want you to know that I lie to them because how we live and what we do isn't always pretty. When I'm with you, I can leave that behind me. I don't want my worlds colliding."

"You don't need to explain yourself."

"No, I do. You are everything that I don't deserve, but you can't see it and I'm not about to try and make you. I don't want to fuck this up, Cas."

"Then let's go back in there, get out of these clothes, and go to bed. I'll be here when you wake up and until that radiator hose comes in, we don't have to answer to anybody." 

Dean held his lips against Cas's temple, kissed him softly and followed him back into the room. He set his empty glass down, they stripped out of their clothes, and crawled back into bed. Dean reached over to turn off the lamp when he felt Cas lay his head on his chest. They laid silently holding each other until Dean started to softly snore.

\-------------------------

Dean pulled the thick comforter up and rolled over. He realized that he wasn't in a cheap motel that charged by the hour, or on Bobby's couch. He also realized that he was alone. He was yawning and stretching when he heard the door open. He half expected to see housekeeping, but instead it was Cas balancing coffee and a tray, holding the door key card between his teeth.

"Did you actually use your mouth to unlock the door?"

"Mmmhhhmm..." Cas mumbled, setting the tray down and taking the card out of his mouth. "Sorry, I thought that you'd still be asleep when I got back. I guess it's not the surprise breakfast in bed that I intended."

"If it makes you feel any better, I just barely woke up, I thought you were housekeeping here to bring clean towels, and nobody has ever brought me breakfast in bed."

"Okay, that does make me feel better. I told the front desk that we just need towels because I think that we should just stay here in bed all day."

"Have I created a monster?" Dean winked.

"That's not what I mean. Well not entirely. I also told the front desk that we are staying, they have decent movie channels, and there is that coffee shop downstairs. It's not room service, but the very sweet lady who manages it said that she would be more than happy to have somebody bring up food if we call and talk to her directly. Apparently there is something about my eyes..."

"That, I can vouch for," Dean said, yawning. "If that's your plan for the day, then strip down and bring the food over."

"I didn't know what you wanted, so I grabbed a little of everything."

"That's exactly what I wanted."

\-------------------------

"If it doesn't come in by tomorrow morning he said it wouldn't be here until Monday...It's a radiator hose for a '67 Chevy Impala, Sam. They don't sell that shit at the corner market...No there isn't a salvage yard here, it's a small fucking town. I got here, I got the job done, and now I just have to sit and wait...Believe it or not, I am a grown man and can handle myself alone for a few days...I'll call you later." Dean hung up his phone and turned to see the most innocent face that Cas could muster. "You seriously cannot start giving me a hand job while I am on the phone with my brother." He rolled Cas on his back and held him down. "So now I'm hard, I was almost there, and you're kind of an asshole for doing that." Cas slid his hand between them and wrapped it around Dean, slowly stroking, finishing the job. They cleaned themselves off with the towel that one of them had dropped on the floor and curled up to watch a movie. Other than showers, bathroom breaks, and answering the door after Cas sweet talked the coffee shop into delivering, they hadn't gotten dressed or left the bed. 

\-------------------------

It was Saturday. Classes were out and the town was busy. Cas and Dean walked around, their hands clasped together, stopping at coffee shops and looking in store windows. Dean stopped in front of a used book store, and for the first time in his life, felt compelled to go in. They wandered the dusty stacks, and Dean almost felt like he was back at Bobby's surrounded by a disarray of large volumes placed with seemingly no rhyme or reason. He found a few things that he thought Sam and Bobby might like. Chances were, they already had them, but they would act surprised and not tell him that. He found an old paperback copy of Old Yeller. The cover was ripped, the pages worn, but he wanted it anyway. He smiled at the frail looking older man who was ringing up his purchases. The man didn't even look up as he took Dean's money, handed him the change, and bagged the books. 

"Your brother reads Latin?"

"Some," Dean said, reaching for Cas's hand. "He was in college for four years, pre-law at Stanford. I don't know what kind of crazy classes he had to take, but I figure what he can't read he'll have to interpret. At least he'll stay busy and off my ass for a day or two."

"Does he really bother you that much?"

"Oh yeah, he drives me fucking nuts. And I can't picture my life without his obnoxious ass sitting in my passenger seat. I was only four when our house caught fire. I was in bed and I could hear my dad yelling. When I got out into the hallway I couldn't see the flames, but I could see and smell the smoke coming from Sam's nursery. I just remember running to see what was going on. My old man stopped me at the door and handed Sam to me. He was six months old and heavy, but I held tight and went outside like I was told. The paramedics tried to take him from me, but I wouldn't let go. They checked us both out while I was still holding him, watching cops and firefighters drag the old man out of the house. I don't even know how many of them it took," Dean chuckled. "He just kept trying to go back in, yelling her name. They kept saying 'Sir, your children' but he'd already blocked everything out. All I could do was stand there and watch it burn to the ground. I don't remember what he was like before that, but I know that he changed that night. He was a single minded asshole who wanted everything done his way, and so I spent my life doing everything his way." Cas looked at Dean, there weren't tears, he didn't look hurt or angry, he looked resigned. "After that, it was my job to keep an eye on Sam, make sure nothing happened to Sam. When he turned 18, he left for school. That was a hell of a fight. I just stood back and waited to get in between them. The guy was actually pissed off at his kid for getting a scholarship to Stanford. That should tell you how fucked up he was. They didn't talk for four years. I tried to keep in touch with Sam but I knew that he needed to leave us, and the pathetic way that we lived, behind him. I did go see him, right before he interviewed for law school. I needed help with a job and I don't know why I went to Sam, but I did. When I dropped him off he found his girlfriend, Jess. She'd been killed. He couldn't bring himself to go back after that and he's been by my side ever since. Him and the old man never really did get along. They still argued, and I still waited to get in between them. I think that's what Sam regrets the most, that they make didn't peace before the old man died." Dean felt Cas squeeze his hand. "Am I boring you?"

"Not at all. I'll listen for as long as you want to talk."

"There's not really much more to say. I mean, we ended up on Bobby's doorstep. He'd always been like an uncle to us but that day, I don't know, it was almost like he adopted us. His wife died young and he never had kids. We became his and he's been more of a father to us than the old man ever was."

"Do you resent him?"

"Who? My father?"

"Yes."

Dean took a deep breath and looked around. They were walking slowly down a sidewalk, he had a bag of books in one hand and was holding Cas with the other. If somebody had told him two months ago that he'd ever be here, he would have just laughed. This wasn't Dean Winchester's life. "I resent the hell out of him. He dragged us around the country, and never really gave a shit. He turned on Sam for wanting more out of life. He expected me to be a newer model of him, and I am, I always have been. Bobby tells me that I'm twice the man John Winchester ever was."

"It sounds like you are. I don't know Bobby, but I don't see any reason for him to lie to you."

"Oh, he'd lie to me. He'd lie his ass off. But, he's watched life kick me when I'm down. I know how he feels about me and Sam. I know that he favors me because he doesn't want to watch me turn into my father. Once again, I really know how to sell myself, don't I? Throwing my daddy issues at you."

"I told you that you don't have to sell yourself, just be honest."

"Well, you just got some serious honesty out of me. What about you? We all have a fucked up childhood. How fucked up was yours?"

"Well, believe it or not I never knew my mother. It's almost like I didn't have one. I'm just one of many children and our father isn't around much. There are four older brothers who have done most of the work keeping the rest of us in line. I was raised to be a soldier, basically. Blind faith and all of that, and for a long time I didn't question it. I always just did what I was told. But now there are times when none of it makes sense to me. My father, he wants things done a certain way and I get that. My older brothers, they can be very much the same way. We aren't allowed to ask questions. So, I keep up the act and keep the questions to myself."

"Well, apparently we have daddy issues in common."

"But you have a chance, you don't have to be like him. You have Sam and you have Bobby."

"Yeah, I know. But the other shit still creeps in. My life hasn't been easy, I've done a lot of things that I'm not proud of. My 'bad' list wouldn't be a list, it would be a book and probably a hell of a read."

"You had to put an animal down and it tore you up. Like I told you before, it's about the intention."

"Yeah, I just need to keep telling myself that. Now come here and kiss me and let's go get something to eat." Cas happily obliged and they walked in amiable silence, looking for a restaurant.

\-------------------------

"So, it's Saturday and you have to be back by Monday. How long is your drive?" Dean asked between bites of his greasy burger.

"It's a few hours."

"So you'll be heading out tomorrow?"

"Or I could set the alarm on my phone and get up early Monday morning."

"Ah, you remembered that trick."

Cas smiled, popping an onion ring in his mouth but otherwise just moving his food around on his plate. "It worked."

"And I got shit for it from a very grumpy little brother."

"Why is that?"

"I told you, Cas, I never stay the night."

\-------------------------

They made love and showered. Cas rested his head on Dean's chest, listening to his heart beat. He could smell the combination of body wash and Dean's natural musky scent. He shivered under the fingers that were lazily trailing up and down his spine. A movie was playing, but he wasn't paying attention.

"Dean?"

"Yeah baby?"

"So um, I found out that in my position at work I can request a territory. You know, multiple states, managing lower level employees."

"Like a promotion?"

"I guess so."

He felt Dean lips on the top of his head and his arm pull their bodies closer. "So now you get to tell people how to clean up messes instead of getting your hands dirty?"

"Something like that. There are two territories that need supervision. The southeast and the upper midwest."

"Upper midwest as in?"

"Indiana, Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota...and the Dakota's."

Dean slid out from under Cas's head and sat up. "The Dakota's? Like Sioux Falls, South Dakota?"

"Yes."

"And you waited until now to tell me?"

"I didn't want to...make any assumptions I guess."

"Assumptions? Cas, I did not blow a fake radiator hose just to have you lay here and consider spending most of your time in Florida. Don't get me wrong, Florida is a hell of a lot nicer than South Dakota in the winter, but the drive to Michigan or Wisconsin is a hell of a lot shorter."

"So you want me too..."

"Baby," Dean leaned down and gently kissed Cas. "I want you to make your own decision."

"How cold does it get in South Dakota?"

"Very. Enough to make your nipples hard for about four months. Why do you think I own so much flannel?"

"So I should stock up on flannel?"

"Stock up on flannel," Dean murmured against his lips.

\-------------------------

"Yeah he said that it'll be there tomorrow morning and he'll let me use his tools to replace it myself...it'll take me a few minutes, Sam. I seriously need to show you more about cars...No, learning how to fix a car and learning all of that shit in those books that you and Bobby geek out over is not fair trade...Well don't call me when a car breaks down on you, and I won't call you when I have a sudden question about Ancient Egyptian mythology...Okay I will see you tomorrow night...Hey Bobby...yeah he'll have it in the morning and I'll throw it in and head your way...Will you please explain to that pain in the ass how to replace a radiator hose?...Oh I don't doubt that it's been quiet around there but I'll be back probably late tomorrow and you can watch us argue in person...Okay well tell the little bitch that I said goodnight...See ya." Dean set his phone on the nightstand and turned to Cas. "Why in the hell do you insist upon messing with me when I'm talking to them?" Cas had been able to get all of Dean's clothes off, even forcing him to pull his phone away from his ear when he slipped his shirt over his head. 

"Call it a lesson in self control."

"You are such an asshole sometimes," Dean smiled, leaning back against the headboard and pulling Cas onto his lap. They were both leaving tomorrow. They had spent the weekend in bed or walking around town, Dean telling Cas things than he'd never said out loud before. He didn't bring up the hunting, he couldn't, he never would, but sometimes he still expected Cas to pack his bag and go. Dean knew that he had nothing to offer, but Cas saw something in him and he wasn't going to fight it. They kissed deeply and touched passionately, not knowing how long it would be until they saw each other again. Cas pressed the sensitive skin of his inner thighs against Dean's hips when Dean squeezed his ass and pulled him closer. They were chest to chest, Cas's mouth kissing and biting the soft skin of Dean's neck, moving across his shoulder. "I want you inside of me," Cas whispered. They had touched and kissed, memorized every inch of the other's body, but Dean hadn't asked for that since that first night. He knew that he'd hurt Cas and he was afraid of doing it again. "Are you sure? Aren't you still sore?" Just thinking about it made him rock hard, but he didn't think that he could bring himself to do it. "A little, so don't use your fingers," Cas murmured from where his face was buried in Dean's neck. "Cas..." Dean said softly. He wanted Cas, he wanted him more than he had ever wanted anybody, and he knew that he didn't have enough self control to tell him no. "Please Dean, just do this for me." He just watched Cas lean back, reach for the bottle of lube, drip it on his cock, and run his hand up and down the shaft, pulling himself to his knees and slowly sliding down it. Dean groaned, "Oh my god, baby." Cas's body was tense, his jaw was clenched, his grip on Dean's shoulders was hard enough to leave bruises. Dean slid his hands across Cas's back and held him, not moving. This was what Cas wanted, and he would give it to him, but not until he relaxed against his hands and his lips. He was gentle and calm, feeling the pain in Cas's watery eyes. "I don't want to hurt you," he said thickly, wanting to cry. Cas kissed him, softly at first, building to slow passion. Almost breathless, he tilted his head back, waiting to feel Dean's lips, his tongue, his teeth. He moaned, the pain almost forgotten when he shifted his hips and felt Dean's cock graze the part inside of him that took him to another place. His movements were subtle when he started to carefully rock his body, needing to balance the pain with the pleasure. Dean was still, unmoving, his hands tender, his lips gingerly seeking out Cas's velvet skin. Cas's grip relaxed, but still held Dean's shoulders as he started sliding his body up and down, leaning to trap his hard cock between them. It was slow and it was easy, a haze of friction and soft moans. Whispered words and supple skin covered in a fine sheen of sweat. Dean lost himself in Cas's eyes and the way that his body felt against him. He started to rock, matching Cas's rhythm. He could feel the build and he tried to hold back. He wanted to watch Cas come, he needed to feel Cas come. Cas was taking him deep, going to that other place when he closed his eyes and pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. He slid down hard and Dean's name echoed off of the walls when the warm sticky fluid spread between their bodies. With a few hard thrusts Dean cried out and lost himself, engulfed by the intensity that radiated through him. He was intoxicated by the heady scent of Cas's skin and raw sex. They were gasping and panting when Dean held Cas's head against his shoulder, his other arm wrapped around his back. They were breathing heavily in unison, their hearts pounding together. Dean could feel it in his eyes, the slow tears building in the corners and he knew that Cas could feel it too. He didn't know how long they laid like that. He gone limp awhile ago, but their bodies stayed together. Cas finally lifted his head from Dean's shoulder and searched his face. He wanted to say thank you, he wanted to say so many things, but when Dean reached out to touch him, he knew that he didn't have to. They shared a long and lingering kiss before climbing off of the bed and walking silently to the bathroom, Dean intertwining Cas's fingers with his, leading him under the warm spray of water. 

\-------------------------

Neither of them slept, but both for different reasons. Dean didn't know how he would be able to fall asleep on Bobby's couch tomorrow night, and Cas simply couldn't fall asleep. They held each other silently, waiting for the alarm to go off, signaling that their time together was over. Dean groaned when he reached for Cas's phone and handed it to him. He watched Cas get dressed and make sure he had everything. He started to sit up when Cas pushed him back against the mattress with a deep kiss. "I need my last visual of you in this bed," he whispered. Dean visibly cringed when he heard the door shut and he laid back with his hands under his head. Finally he begrudgingly climbed out of bed and got dressed, packed his bag, and stopped in the lobby to drop off the key card. He threw his things in his car and headed for the highway that would take him back to Bobby's.

\-------------------------

Cas was going through his things when he found it. The old paperback book. He opened it and saw:

"Maybe it is about intentions, but that doesn't make it any easier. Thank you for bringing me back from my ugly detour. I'm probably missing you already. -D- "

\-------------------------

Sam was surprised when Dean set the books for him and Bobby on the desk and wordlessly went upstairs to shower the road grime off. It had been a long drive and he was exhausted in every way. Bobby's couch didn't look as inviting as it normally did when he silently dropped his body on it and pulled a thin blanket over him. It was late, but he could hear Sam at the desk, trying to be quiet while he looked through the books. He pulled the blanket up to cover his eyes and tried to fall asleep.

\-------------------------

"Books? I mean, don't get me wrong, that Latin one is unbelievable. I just would never have expected..."

"You know Sammy, what we do, the hunting, normally it doesn't get to me. These are monsters that are out to kill, plain and simple. But every once in awhile I have a non-Dean Winchester moment and I realize that at one point, a lot of them were human. She was a bookstore clerk named Elizabeth, about your age, and beautiful. I'd put money on the idea that she never asked to be a werewolf. But somehow she ended up on the wrong end of my gun." Dean took a sip of coffee and started eating the breakfast that Bobby had set in front of him. He had slept, not well, but he'd slept. "I had time on my hands and so I went into a bookstore, I'm not sure why, but I did. Brought you back some souvenirs."

"Well, thanks." Sam held out the coffee pot and refilled Dean's mug when he nodded. He could see the exhaustion on his brother's face. He knew how a kill like that could get to you, it had happened to him. Sitting in that town for days afterwards couldn't have been easy. He sat down on the other side of the table and started eating while Bobby stood quietly by the stove and listened. The way that Dean felt things, how deeply he felt them, it had always broken his heart.

\-------------------------

Dean had been home for a few days and Sam could see a difference in him. He seemed almost somber but strangely relaxed. He was outside with the hood of his car open, leaning over the engine when Sam brought him a beer. Sam didn't know much about cars, but it only took a cursory glance to see that none of the hoses looked new. He wasn't going to ask. "Do you need any help?" he asked, holding out the cold bottle.

"Nope, this is help enough, thanks." Dean wiped the sweat off his brow with a greasy hand and screwed off the top. "If you're that bored you can check out the trunk. I just kind of tossed shit in there without organizing it."

Sam pulled the keys out of the ignition, effectively turning off Dean's music temporarily, and opened the trunk. Dean's FBI suit was crumpled up in a corner, another thing he wasn't going to ask about. His gun had just been tossed in, some of the silver bullets had come out of the box they used to hold them and he started picking them up and putting them away. He switched out the clip from the gun Dean had used for one with regular bullets and put it with the loose ones he'd found. He saw a knife laying between a shotgun and a machete and he pulled it out. It had a solid handle, made out of what looked to be some type of horn. There were marks and etchings on the blade that Sam had never seen before. He closed the trunk and put the keys back. "What's this?"

Dean looked up, he'd forgotten about the knife. "I found it right after I made the kill. I just threw it in the trunk with the other shit. It's not that big, but I figured we might find some use for it."

"But what about these markings?"

"I have no idea. I didn't even really look at the thing. They are pretty cool, go ask Bobby. He knows all about that type of shit." He felt his phone go off in his pocket and was surprised when he pulled it out. Although they'd been texting back and forth, Cas had never actually called him. "I've got to take this, you should take that to Bobby," he said to Sam while he walked away. He was just out of earshot when he answered it.

\-------------------------

"Hey baby, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"I'm just a little surprised, I mean we never actually talk on the phone."

"Thank you for the book," Cas said quietly.

"Oh yeah, I um..." Dean stuttered. He wasn't the sentimental type, he wasn't even the emotional type, but he wanted Cas to have the book and didn't know how to give it to him.

"I read it and I understand."

"I was probably just being dramatic. I mean bad shit happens all of the time, I don't know why I let that one get to me."

"Because you're human. Doing the right thing doesn't always feel right."

"True, but now you know that deep down I can be sentimental and shit. I'm going to need you to keep that a secret. I have a reputation to protect," Dean smiled.

Cas laughed, "Okay, I promise. I'm going to be in Sioux Falls next week."

"Really? So am I."

"Do I need to bring anything flannel?"

"Nah, I'm working on my car and sweating my ass off."

"Did you ever get that radiator hose fixed?" Cas laughed again.

"Believe it or not, I did. First thing Monday morning. Made it back in time to avoid what Bobby tries to pass off as dinner."

"Well, I need to go. I just wanted to talk to you, not read a text."

"I'm glad you did. Let me know when you'll be in town. I might be able to free up some time." He hung up and walked back to his car. Next week, he only had to wait a week.

\-------------------------

"You found this?"

Dean looked up from the movie he was watching on his laptop, "Uh yeah, I found it the night of the hunt. It was laying in the grass so I just picked it up and tossed it in the trunk."

"So you found this laying in the grass in a small town in Illinois?"

"No Bobby, I made a deal with some shady looking guy. He told me that he'd leave me in a bathtub full of ice after he took the kidney I promised in exchange for it. Yes I found it. Why?"

"This ain't no average knife, Dean."

Dean closed his laptop and set his drink down. He stood behind Bobby and looked at the open book in front of him. There were pictures of weapons, some of them almost indescribable. The knife was one of them. "Okay, so I found a rare knife. Had I known I might have stopped at a pawn shop."

"Rare and one of a kind are two entirely different things. Read this," Bobby turned the book towards Dean.

"Okay, there is no fucking way that this book is right. I mean we all know that most of the shit in these books are just legends and stories. It's a legend, Bobby. It has to be."

"Maybe it is, but it's awfully specific. These markings, I cross checked them. These are sigils. All of these markings are celestial or demonic in some way." They heard Sam come in and start pulling stuff out of the grocery bags to be put away. "Sam! Get your ass in here!"

"What?" Sam peeked his head through the doorway. 

"I need you to look at this."

Sam looked at Dean who just shrugged. He looked down at Bobby's desk and saw the knife, sitting next to the book. "Wait, is that..."

"Yeah, it is. There are a small handful of weapons known to have this much power and they're all listed on this page. Some were hand made by believers, some were blessed by the church, and some came out of nowhere. According to the book, this knife can kill a demon."

"Kill a demon? Like 'send it back to hell gone forever' kill a demon?" Dean was trying to absorb what Bobby had just said.

"Yes. I know that the Colt gun exists, but it's had so many John Doe buyers over the years that there is no way of knowing where it is. A few of these things are with private collectors or the church has them hidden somewhere. This disappeared years ago. Shit like this is locked away behind concrete and steel, not laying in somebody's yard."

"Seriously, that's where I found it. I thought that it probably belonged to the werewolf. That it was armed and dropped it. But we don't even know if it's legit. Like I said, these are legends and stories, Bobby."

"Well, you boys seem to run into demon problems on occasion. Take it with you, use it. If it works, then we finally have something more than holy water and exorcisms to get rid of the damn things."

"People really should take better care of their shit," Dean said, picking up the knife and looking closely at the markings. "Finders keepers assholes."

\-------------------------

Sam was working on translating the Latin book when he heard the engine start and the sound of tires on the gravel driveway.

"Where's your brother going?"

"Town."

"By himself?"

"Apparently. I offered to go, he said he was fine by himself. I'm thinking that he has plans to, I guess you could say, prowl."

"Okay, this old man don't need to know any more."

\-------------------------

The motel room door wasn't even all of the way closed when they started reaching for each other.

"I thought about doing the whole dinner and...."

"No, you're fine," Cas said, already fumbling with Dean's belt.

"Okay, good," Dean mumbled, wrapping his arms around Cas and moving him towards the bed.

\-------------------------

They were still out of breath when Cas curled his body next to Dean's and laid his head on his shoulder.

"Another problem with the church in Sioux Falls? This must be one seriously fucked up town."

"No, a problem with a church a couple of hours away. Somebody I needed to see in Sioux Falls."

"Lucky guy," Dean smiled, kissing the top of Cas's head.

\-------------------------

Sam and Bobby were still in bed with Dean quietly came through the door. He pulled off his boots and jacket and crawled onto the couch. He had just settled in with the blanket over him when he heard Sam's foot falls on the stairs. He'd coasted his car down the driveway so that they wouldn't hear him, he really didn't want Sam asking questions.

\-------------------------

Sam knew, but he didn't say anything. He'd always made fun of his brother for being such a man whore. Dean had perfected the art of sneaking out of motel rooms, apartments, and houses in the middle of the night. They didn't know how many husbands or roommates he'd been able to avoid over the years. Either he'd made an exception to his 'no staying' rule, or his night had been extra productive.

He did start to wonder when Dean left for the second night without him.

\-------------------------

"So, I'm going to show a little more self control here and say that we should go out."

"Go where?"

"Well, not the dive bar, not the diner, not a movie. There's actually a cocktail lounge not too far away, and I can't believe that I actually said the words cocktail lounge. Anyway, I've been there a couple of times. Quiet, not a huge crowd."

"And a place where nobody knows you?"

"Cas, it's not like that," Dean pulled Cas to him. "The bar is a dive. I don't want to drag you there again. Any time I take you to the diner you just drink coffee and watch me eat. I wanted to do something different." Cas hugged him back and then gave him a quick kiss. He turned to open the door, but Dean stopped him. "You know what, maybe it is like that. I told you that I don't want my worlds colliding, I don't want to share you with the world. Ugly life, amazing detour, I need both of those things to exist. I'm not ashamed of Sam and Bobby. Sam is a pain in my ass, but he's college educated and smart as hell. Bobby is grumpy and probably a little eccentric, I mean the guy collects books about the supernatural, but he'd take a bullet for me. They're my family. And you, I'm sure as hell not ashamed of you. You are sexy, you are smart, you are kind, and you have horrible taste in men. When I'm at home, it's a lot of testosterone, arguing, anger, shit from my childhood that I can't let go of. When I'm with you, I'm just with you and I don't want to lose that," he lifted Cas's chin and leaned in for a long kiss.

"I actually understand, I do. Now let's get to your cocktail lounge," Cas said softly.

\-------------------------

"Now I remember why the words 'cocktail lounge' don't come out of my mouth very often. But, at least the drinks weren't bad."

"I did feel like a freshman on the first day of high school."

"Hey, in my defense when I have been here it was with a group so I had no idea that there was an unspoken 40 and older rule."

They climbed in the car, but Dean didn't start the engine. Instead he leaned over and kissed Cas, waiting for him to part his lips, waiting to feel his tongue. He reached down and started softly squeezing, rubbing him through his pants. "Dean..." Dean silenced him with another kiss and expertly undid his belt, opened the button, and pulled the zipper down, fondling Cas's cock, feeling it grow hard in his hand. "I have a perfectly good motel room..." Cas started when Dean pulled away and leaned down. He pulled Cas's hips forward and bent his head, swirling his tongue around the head. Cas closed his mouth and his eyes, leaning his head back against the seat. Dean was stroking him slowly, dragging his tongue across the sensitive head before pulling it into his mouth and gently sucking. He felt Cas's hand on the back of his head, encouraging him, and he smiled, taking more of Cas into his mouth. He slid his head up and down, moving his tongue along the silky skin of the shaft. Cas was subtly rocking his hips, putting gentle pressure on the back of Dean's head. Dean could hear him start to pant and feel him throb. He moaned around his cock and slid his head forward, swallowing the sticky come. He softly licked and sucked until Cas was limp and too sensitive to take much more. He tucked him back into his pants, zipped, buttoned, and buckled his belt then sat up and kissed him. "I guess the cocktail lounge wasn't so bad?" he said, grinning. Cas was still breathing heavily when they pulled out of the parking lot.

"What about you?" he said weakly.

"We have all night to worry about me, or not worry about me. It really doesn't matter. I don't want to be a selfish lover, you don't owe me one. I just think that every man deserves a blow job in a car."

"I agree." 

\-------------------------

Dean stood under the hot water, realizing that every man deserves a blow job in the shower. Cas was nervous and clumsy, but that just turned him on even more and he came quickly, surprised when Cas swallowed. "I told you that you didn't owe me one, but I'll take it." They crawled in bed and talked in the dark. Dean talked, and Cas listened. He talked about his mother, his father, Sam, Bobby. He used a lot of metaphors and talked around things, but Cas didn't call him out. If Dean wanted him to know, he'd tell him when he was ready. Cas didn't have the right to say anything anyway, he'd told Dean very little about his childhood and his life. They kissed and touched and held each other until the alarm went off. Dean got dressed and as a rule didn't let Cas get out of bed until he was gone. He bent down for the gentle goodbye kiss. They didn't know when Cas would be back.

\-------------------------

Dean was cursing when he saw that Sam was awake and in the kitchen.

"Long night?"

"Something like that." Dean poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down.

"So, who is it?"

"What?"

Sam sat down across from Dean, "The constant texting, your trip into St. Paul, the brand new radiator hose that looks suspiciously like all of the others that weren't replaced, two nights of going out alone and coming back in the morning. You're chasing somebody, and you've crossed state lines to do it."

Dean was annoyed. He could come up with excuses for each of the things that Sam had just listed, but he was too tired. "Maybe I am."

"So there is somebody?"

"Yes Sam, there is somebody," Dean said, the annoyance coming through in his voice. "And it is somebody that you will probably never meet."

"Okay, so you are into this person enough to drive to Illinois..."

"Actually that one worked out differently. I was already there, they came to me."

"They? I don't even get a pronoun?"

"You don't get anything, Sam. What I have there is nothing like what I have here, and I don't want the two to ever cross. They are blind enough to think that I'm a good guy and worth the time, and I'm not going to do anything to fuck that up."

"What about the hunting?"

"I'm pretty sure that bringing up hunting would be the fastest way to fuck things up. So, before you start throwing accusations at me, yes I lie. Instead of a hunter I'm a handyman, a mechanic, I do pest control. When you think about it, it's not a far stretch. Our entire lives have been about pest control, I just don't talk about what kind of pests they are."

"Is it serious?"

"I don't know, I don't even know what serious really means. I haven't so much as looked at anybody else since we met, I haven't wanted to. I can't picture my life without it anymore. You tell me if that's serious."

"Yeah, it qualifies."

"Then you understand why this world and that world can't coexist. This world breaks people, it takes people away from us and I don't know if I'll die bloody tomorrow so I want to hang on to it for as long as I can. Now, I didn't want to talk about this in the first place, which means we're never going to talk about it again. But now you know and you can stop giving me those looks." His phone went off and he pulled it out of his pocket.

_"I hate it when the bed gets too cold."_

He smiled and felt Sam's eyes rolling at him.

_"I didn't want to leave, trust me."_

They heard Bobby come down the stairs and Sam poured him a cup of coffee before he started making breakfast.

_"I should be back soon."_

Bobby was pulling out pots and pans, digging through the refrigerator.

_"A guy can hope..."_

He started frying bacon and cracking eggs. "Garth called late last night. He's in Oklahoma working a vengeful spirit and he thinks that there might be a demon problem. You boys know devil's traps, and Sam has the incantation memorized. We need other hunters that know how to do that shit. And, we need to test that knife."

Sam and Dean looked at each other behind Bobby's back. Dean still had serious doubts about the knife, but Bobby was right. Even though they couldn't do much, the Winchesters still knew how to handle demons better than anybody out there.

"So I'm guessing we should pack up and go after breakfast?" Dean asked.

"I'll call Garth back. I know that he drives you boys crazy. He's a pain in the ass, but he means well and he is a good hunter. Don't do your bullheaded shit and leave him behind because it's easier. If he has to stand in the shadows and watch, then so be it."

Dean hadn't slept in two nights, but this wasn't something they could pass off to somebody else. He reminded Sam to start another pot of coffee to throw in a thermos and they finished their breakfast.

\-------------------------

"You're actually going to let me drive?"

"Dude, I have not slept in two days." Dean climbed in the passenger seat, rested his head against the door, and was asleep before they hit the highway.

\-------------------------

They pulled into the parking lot of a coffee shop in Oklahoma and braced themselves for Garth's overexcited hugs. Sometimes they were surprised at how good of a hunter Garth really was. He was probably Dean's height, but easily forty pounds lighter. He didn't have the angry edge that most hunters had. He was tall, skinny, cheerful, and a hell of a shot. They followed him into to the coffee shop and listened to his story. Demons were tricky because you didn't know about them until they knew about you. They didn't always work in groups, and they didn't always leave a clean trail. But, they knew about the Winchesters. They knew that one of their own had killed Mary Winchester. And they knew the rumors about John Winchester. There had been a car accident. Sam was able to walk away, John was hurt badly, but still alive. Dean was on life support. It was only a few days later that John Winchester was dead and Dean was able to walk out of the hospital. The story was, John Winchester traded his soul for his son's life. That rumor was the one thing that made Dean question his resentment toward his father. Demons knew, and they never hesitated to tell Dean how dear old dad was doing in hell. If they waited long enough, the demons would come to them.

\-------------------------

Bobby had found a sheath to fit the blade and Dean had it hooked to his belt. Sam made sure that they all had holy water, devils traps were painted, and Garth had a copy of the exorcism rite. They were in an abandoned building, just waiting. 

It never took long.

"Ah, the Winchesters."

"In the flesh," Dean said, sitting on a crate. He stood up and held his arms out. "How many of you assholes showed up for this party?"

"A few. Too bad your father couldn't make it."

"Seriously? The daddy issue thing got old a long time ago. You really need new material."

"So maybe we're here to schedule a family reunion."

"Oh, you plan to take me and 6'4" of pissed off over there as a parting gift?"

"And your friend, we know there's another hunter here somewhere."

"So are we done with the foreplay?"

"You are so charming, Dean."

"I know. Handsome too."

"Does he always do this?" Garth whispered to Sam from the shadows.

"Yes, and it always works. Just watch and learn."

Dean finally splashed some holy water to stop the attempted mindfuck, and got the temporarily blinded demon into the devils trap. He looked at Sam and nodded, Garth needed to read this incantation. Dean could see one coming out of the shadows and he pulled out the knife. Worst case scenario, it wouldn't work and it would just piss the thing off. He had holy water in his other hand as a temporary fix. He got under it and shoved the knife in it's chest. Garth stopped reading, Sam's mouth dropped open, and Dean's eyes grew wide when they saw the orange glow. They covered their eyes when it started flashing and when it was done, Dean looked down. The knife was in his hand and the demon was dead at his feet. He and Sam exchanged looks and Garth started reading again while Sam held them back and Dean fought. 

They were exhausted, Dean was beaten and bloody, Garth was probably scarred for life, but they'd done it. The knife had worked. Dean knew that the word would spread. Demons would find out and they'd want a piece of him more now than they did before. At least he would be ready. They limped back to the car and Sam called Bobby while Dean drove.

\-------------------------

News traveled quickly, Sam and Dean officially became the demon experts. Nobody really knew about the knife, Bobby and the boys weren't talking, and Garth and been sworn to secrecy. All the other hunters knew was they the Winchesters had found a way to kill them, and the other hunters were happy to let them take care of the problem. 

Dean took every opportunity he could to see Cas. He drove to Wisconsin just to see him for one night. Sam learned that when Dean's 'friend' was nearby, that he wouldn't see him for two or three days. He'd kept his word, he hadn't brought it up again, but he had to admit that he was curious as hell.

\-------------------------

 _"I'll be stuck in Michigan by myself for_  
_three days next week."_

Dean smiled at his phone. It had been two weeks since he'd seen Cas, and he finally admitted to himself how much he missed him.

_"By yourself?"_

He knew that Sam was watching out of the corner of his eye, but it didn't bother him. Sam wouldn't ask questions.

_"I guess that depends."_

He was calculating how long it would take him to get to Michigan.

_"Are you flirting with me?"_

He knew that the car probably needed another oil change. This demon thing had them driving from one state to another.

_"Is it working?"_

He should probably tune her up while he was at it. And he also needed to check the radiator hoses. He didn't need one actually blowing on him.

_"It always does, baby. Tell me when and  
where."_

He put his phone back in his pocket after he got a date, time, and location. "I'll be headed out next Thursday for a few days."

"Sounds good, until then we should probably check with Bobby and see what's on the radar."

\-------------------------

Dean's biggest fear had always been turning into a monster, now it was the demons. When he was with Sam, he could handle them. Even alone he could take on one or two. But when he was with Cas, he was always afraid that they might show up. He had a target on his back and hated the idea that he was putting Cas in danger, but he couldn't stay away.

He was leaning against the door frame, already smiling when Cas opened the door. "Hey baby," he said softly, getting the kiss and hug that still gave him chills. One look into those blue eyes and the monsters and demon didn't exist for him. He took his cues from Cas. If he started pushing his jacket down his arms, they were staying in. If he reached for his own, they were going out. It looked like they were going out. They got to the bar and grill and Dean couldn't help but grin and wink when he saw the pool tables.

\-------------------------

"You really want to do this? There is no challenge in it for you."

"Okay, I taught you everything that you know, so there better be some challenge. I won't even go easy on you. It's all about angles and lines, baby."

Cas sighed when he picked out a pool stick and chalked it, waiting for Dean to rack the balls. He leaned over and took the break shot. "Solids," he smiled.

"Now either that was a lucky shot, or I really am an amazing teacher."

"Angles and lines," Cas said, kissing Dean softly before grabbing a french fry off of his plate.

They played, Dean won every time, but Cas was surprisingly good. Dean was leaning against Cas, Cas's arms wrapped around him from behind, his chin resting on Dean's shoulder. He had a cold beer in his hand and he'd just finished a greasy bar burger. He couldn't remember being this happy. 

\-------------------------

"Three days when I'm working, or when I'm waiting for work, feels like a hell of a long time. But three days with you..." Dean trailed off when he felt Cas's hands slide under his shirt. One touch was all it took. He would be leaving in the morning, and he hated it. He let Cas pull his shirt over his head and catch him in a long kiss. They dropped their clothes in piles as they moved around the room, making their way to the bed. Dean's lips were soft, his hands were gentle. He slipped a pillow under Cas's hips and dripped lube on his fingers. He knew that it still hurt, but he knew where Cas needed to be touched. He had Cas pinned to the bed, kissing him slowly, his fingers inside of him moving and rubbing. He felt the rocking and the writhing and knew that Cas was ready for him. He loved watching Cas's face when he lined up and buried his cock. His eyes wide and glassy, his lip pulled between his bottom teeth, his cheeks flushed. "You are so beautiful," he whispered when he leaned down, laying chest to chest against Cas, needing to feel as much of his skin as he could. They kissed slowly, yet passionately, their hips already rocking against one another. They were needy but unhurried. Cas's hands ran up Dean's back, his fingers digging softly into his shoulders, massaging the tight muscles. They moved together seamlessly, they didn't always know where their body ended and the other's began. It was familiar and new every time. They kissed deeply, Cas moaning softly against Dean's needy mouth. Dean was thrusting faster, holding his stomach against Cas's, sliding against his hard cock trapped between them. He lifted his head and they locked eyes. Dean was lost. The trust, the passion, the warmth. Cas believed in him in ways that nobody ever had. He touched the side of Cas's face and kissed him tenderly. "I need you, Cas..." he whispered. "I can't picture my life without you in it, I don't want to." Cas's eyes filled with tears. He pulled Dean against him, burying his face in Dean's neck, moving his body faster. He spread his legs wider and rocked. He was right there, he was throbbing and building. "I need you too..." he said quietly. Dean was moaning and breathing hard, he only had one more thrust. He buried himself deep and came hard, feeling Cas come against his stomach. He pressed their lips together and kissed him passionately before he could cry out. "It gets harder and harder to leave..." he murmured against Cas's mouth. He let his body sink and let Cas hold him while the tears slid silently out of the corners of his eyes. 

\-------------------------

Dean couldn't sleep. He pressed his lips to the top of Cas's head and trailed his fingers up and down his back. Cas was laying with his head over Dean's heart, listening to it beat. "I meant what I said, Cas. I need you, I can't lose you." Cas tilted his head and searched for Dean's emerald green eyes in the dark. "I can't lose you either, Dean." Dean pulled the blanket over them and held Cas closer, "You won't. I'll make you two promises right now. I will never let anything hurt you, and I'm not going anywhere."

\-------------------------

Dean turned back to look. The ridges of muscles across his stomach, his toned chest, his strong shoulders, his slow smile, his messy dark hair, and those eyes. Those bluer than blue eyes that Dean saw in his dreams. He winked and nodded before he opened the door and left. Pulling out of the parking lot was the moment that hit him the hardest. He was getting on the highway and he was driving away from Cas. He let himself feel it all of the way home, he wanted it out of his system before he saw Sam and Bobby.

\-------------------------

 _"I made it home safely. Lonely, but_  
_safely. I hate leaving that bed cold for_  
_you."_

Dean was quiet and he knew that Sam thought that something was wrong.

 _"I hate it when you leave the bed cold._  
_I have to go to the head office. I don't get_  
_very good coverage when I'm there."_

He knew that if he tried to talk to Sam about it, Sam would actually understand.

 _"Well, just know that I meant everything._  
_All of it. I need you, Cas."_

He just didn't want to talk about it. It belonged to him. Cas, their time together, he didn't want to share that with anybody.

_"I need you too, Dean."_

He just needed to keep being patient, and appreciate every moment that he had with Cas. He still quietly smiled when he thought about the hot blue eyed guy telling him at the diner that he was asexual. That he had no interest in sex or relationships. He still wondered how they got from there to here. Maybe it was that night in the parking lot when he'd kissed Cas, when he'd touched him for the first time. Cas didn't pull away, and now he couldn't get enough. He listened and tried to understand Dean's issues with his father, with the way he was raised. He held him and kissed him when he felt like he didn't deserve to be held and kissed. He melted when Dean smiled or winked. He believed in a broken man.

\-------------------------

"Idaho?"

"Yes Dean, Idaho. Martin called yesterday and said he had a strange feelin'. He stuck around town and started noticing the black eyes. Unless we can find some way to duplicate this knife, we're going to keep getting calls about the demons."

"We've always gotten the calls about the demons. Alright, will you ask Sam to make sure the trunk is good? I need to jump in the shower and pack, then we'll head out." 

Bobby just nodded and watched Dean climb the stairs. He didn't know for sure what was going on with that boy, but he was runnin' himself ragged.

\-------------------------

"No Martin, leaving town was smart....Yeah we'll be fine...Okay, I just need you to give me a list of the the places you saw them...Oh no, they usually come to us...Okay, thanks." Sam hung up the phone and turned to his brother. "Is it just me, or does Martin sound like he's slowly losing it?"

"Martin has always sounded like he's slowly losing it. So what's the deal?"

"Well, we're in the right town. He said he saw a total of 3 of them, which probably means at least six are here."

"Unless they've heard about us rolling into town. We might be talking about nine or ten."

"Anyway, he said that there is an old school on the edge of town. They love dark secluded places and they love Winchesters."

"Okay that almost makes it sound like they are trying to seduce us or some shit. We have plenty of daylight left to get over there and paint some traps if you want to do this thing tonight, or we can wait. It's up to you."

"We might as well get it done," Sam sighed.

\-------------------------

"I'm going to go with ten, three female and seven male. What about you, Sammy?"

"Um, I'll say eleven, five female and six male."

"Okay, I think we can handle that."

They were sitting in the old school, waiting for the sun to completely set. Dean was sitting on an ancient desk across the room from where Sam was sitting on a filing cabinet. They heard the shuffling and looked at each other. "Showtime," Dean said quietly.

Dean wasn't in the mood for the banter, so he started throwing punches. He didn't mind a good fistfight, sometimes he needed a good fistfight. One must have made it's way into the trap, he could hear Sam talking. He finally pulled out the holy water, blinding the demon before plunging the blade into it. They still hadn't gotten used to the flashing lights. One down, two if you count the one that Sam was exorcising, only eight or nine left.

\-----------------------

Sam was right, there had been eleven. But, three were female and eight were male. Both brothers had been knocked around, but Dean took the brunt of it. Dean always took the brunt of it. They were sitting on the desk, trying to catch their breath when they heard more shuffling. "You have got to be fucking kidding me. Now they are sending out a phase two?" Dean hopped off the desk and stood in the middle of the devil's trap. At least if one tried to rush him, it would get caught. "We just killed eleven of your friends, so you might as well show your ass so that we can get started. We have dinner plans tonight, and we don't want to be late." A figure stepped out of the shadows, but his eyes weren't black and he didn't feel like a demon. There were two more standing behind him. "Now, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you are not of the demonic type." They were all dressed in suits, perfect haircuts, shiny shoes. "You just don't seem to have that whole evil, wearing all black, want to rip my intestines out with your bare hands look."

"We are not here to fight. We have just come to retrieve what belongs to us."

"Belongs to you? Um, I'm pretty sure that I don't have anything that belongs to you. Sammy?"

"Nope, can't think of anything."

"Then it's settled. Now if you'll excuse us we should probably shower before we go to dinner."

"Dean Winchester..."

"And you know my fucking name, that is never a good sign. I don't know yours, so I'll just call you asshole. How does that sound?"

"I am Remiel."

"Okay, well good talk," Dean turned to walk away. He had no idea what was going on, but he knew that he was in absolutely no mood to deal with it. 

"What you hold in your hand, it belongs to us."

Dean turned back around and held up the knife, "This?"

"Yes."

"Um, I'm sorry Remiel, or whatever your name is, but this is mine."

"Muriel, Sariel,"

Dean watched the three of them start walking towards him. "Okay, back the fuck up. It's not my fault if you can't keep track of your shit. This was laying in the grass about 60 feet away from a werewolf in a small town. Sounds like you need to take better care of your toys."

"It belongs to..."

"Muriel! Sariel! Remiel! Stop!"

"What the fuck? Another one?" Sam said quietly, looking at his brother. Dean was frozen in place.

"Castiel..." Ramiel said quietly. "The blade, it disappeared and we tracked it to Dean Winchester."

"You had orders?"

"No."

"And yet you are here."

"Castiel, we had heard that your loyalties..."

"I am your superior, what is said about me is nothing that you need to concern yourself with. Go and I will deal with this. We will talk when I return."

Sam watched the three turn and walk away, he still couldn't see who they were talking too, and Dean still hadn't moved.

"You might as well step out of the shadow. You don't think that I'd recognize your voice?" Dean said evenly. He saw a tan trenchcoat and a suit that matched the others. "I always wanted to ask you if Cas was short for something, but I kept forgetting. Now I kinda wished that I'd had."

Cas lifted his head and Dean cringed when he saw his eyes. Just a few days ago he had made love to that body, looked into those eyes, felt things that he didn't know he was capable of.

"Dean..." Cas said quietly, taking a step forward.

Sam was standing quietly by the desk, just watching. He remembered this guy from the bar, the one who shot Dean down. When he looked at his brother's face he could see it all, this was him. This was the one.

"Show me," Dean said quietly.

"Dean..."

"Fucking show me!"

Cas dropped his head and they all felt the breeze and heard the sound when Castiel unfurled his wings. He lifted his head and they locked eyes. Blazing green and bluer than blue. Dean dropped the knife on the linoleum floor and walked away. Cas pulled his wings in, picked the knife up, and followed him. Sam stood there looking at 11 dead demons, trying to figure out what he'd just seen.

\-------------------------

"Dean..."

"Leave me alone, Cas."

"Dean, we need to talk."

"I don't have a fucking thing to say to you, Cas. Actually, I have a lot of things to say to Cas, but he isn't fucking here. Sorry Castiel, you and I, we have nothing to talk about." 

"I never lied to you, Dean."

"Really?" Dean stopped without turning around. "Is this one of those technicality things? I mean I never did come right out and ask you if you were an angel, so I guess you're right. But the whole 'not human' thing was pretty fucking important."

"You didn't tell me what you are."

"Oh, so you know about that. Have you known this whole time?"

"Not at first, not until I heard the name Winchester."

Dean finally turned around. There was just enough moonlight to keep his face out of the shadows. "So all of those nights when we talked, when I opened up to you about how fucked up my life has been, you already knew. A part of me kept saying that none of it was real. I should have listened to that part."

"It was real, Dean. All of it."

"Bullshit! You aren't even fucking real! A few nights ago I laid in bed with a man who means everything to me! Everything! I told him that I needed him. I told him that I couldn't picture my life without him. I told him that I would never leave him. I meant every fucking word."

"You're right, you laid in bed with a man."

"I laid in bed with Cas. He believed in me, and I don't even believe in myself. He loved me, he never said it, neither of us did, but we knew. He made me feel things that I didn't know I was capable of feeling. I knew that there was something about him the first time I saw him, those incredible blue eyes could see right through me. I couldn't even look at anybody else after that. Not even after he told me that he wasn't, and would never be interested. But I pushed it, I touched him and he touched me back. He wanted me, he fucking needed me and I needed him. I can't imagine my hands on another body. The things that I said to him? I will never be able to say them to anybody else. Cas was perfect, he was mine, and now he's dead. My old man, Bobby, Sam...I get it now. The last thing you want to do is love a hunter because it's a fucking death sentence."

Cas stood silently and watched the tears start to course down Dean's face until he turn and walked away slowly, his shoulders slumped in defeat. Cas didn't call out or try to catch up. 

\-------------------------

Sam heard the yelling, but he couldn't make out the words, he didn't really want to. He went outside and waited by the car knowing that sooner or later Dean would end up there. It didn't take long before Dean walked across the lot and wordlessly got in the car. He already had the engine started when Sam pulled the door closed and they peeled out, hitting the main road.

"When we get to the motel, pack your shit. We're going back to Bobby's."

Sam turned and looked at his brother's tear stained face. He wasn't going to argue.

They got to the motel and silently packed the car. It was too late to call Bobby and let him know that they were on their way back. He wouldn't care, but he would wonder why they left in the middle of the night. Dean wouldn't talk, and Sam didn't know what to say.

\-------------------------

Sam watched Dean get out of the car and start walking through the maze of scrap in the salvage yard. He took all of their stuff inside and set it on the floor before he dropped into a chair, exhausted.

"You're back a bit earlier than I was expecting you. Where's Dean?"

"Outside walking around."

"Is everything okay?"

"We got the demons, all of them, but I am pretty sure that everything is not okay. The knife is gone, apparently it has been returned to it's rightful owner. And I don't think that we'll see Dean leaving for days at a time anymore. A lot of shit went down, Bobby. Shit that I don't think Dean is ever going to be able to get past."

\-------------------------

Dean walked around for hours, waiting for nightfall. He finally laid on the hood of his car in the dark and wondered it looking at the sky when you prayed made any difference. Heaven existed, he'd witnessed that. But his heaven was still in a hotel room in Michigan, and he would never get it back. 

\-------------------------

"Do you need a drink?" Sam handed Dean a beer and leaned against the wall of the garage. "What are you doing?"

"Well, I've fixed and rebuilt everything that I can on the Impala, so I figured I'd start tearing into one of Bobby's trucks. I know that you're dying to ask."

"I'm not going to ask you anything. It's none of my business. I see you hurting, and yeah I want to do something about it, but I can't. If you want to be left alone, I have to respect that."

"Thanks, Sam." He took a sip of his beer and set the bottle down on top of the toolbox. "I know you, and I know how your mind works so I'll give you this. Yes, that was him. No, I had no idea that he is an angel. His name is, or was, Cas. He made me happy, he made me believe in myself, and to answer your million dollar question, yes I loved him. But, he's dead. He died in that school right in front of my eyes. You, Dad, Bobby...I get it."

"I'm sorry, Dean."

"So am I, Sam. For all of us."

\-------------------------

They'd been home for a couple of weeks. Dean still didn't say much, he didn't eat much, and he drank a little too much. Sam knew how he felt and gave him space.

"Dean," Bobby yelled from the porch.

"Yeah?" Dean's voice echoed in the garage.

"Something came for you in the mail."

"What? Nobody knows how to find me."

"Somebody must because it has your name on it."

Dean wiped his hands off on a shop rag and went into the house to find a small box on the table. That was his name, no return address. The postmark said Sioux Falls. Sam was sitting in the living room but could see him open the package. Dean picked up a note card and read it before dropping it back into the box and going outside, pulling the door closed a little to hard. Sam waited until he knew that Dean wasn't coming back in before he walked into the kitchen. He saw the knife and the note where Dean had dropped it. He knew that he shouldn't, but he picked it up and read it.

"I know that your intentions were true, so were mine. It was an unexpected detour, but the most beautiful one that I have ever taken. If nothing else, I need to know that you are safe. -C- "

\-------------------------

They took on a few small hunts. Dean didn't look at the articles, he didn't help with the interviews, he didn't want to know the backstory. He just wanted to know when and where, and he took care of business in a stone cold way. 

Bobby took the knife and stashed it in his arsenal in the basement. He got the word out that somehow they weren't able to kill demons anymore, he didn't explain why. Sam called Garth and told him, as a friend, that the knife had been taken and they weren't getting it back. Demon hunting would have to be done the old fashioned way. Garth hadn't told anyone about the knife, so he had no reason to tell anyone that it was missing.

Dean was still in mourning, it was worse than after their father died. He spent most of his time alone. He'd started to eat more, drink a little less, and although he didn't smile or laugh very often, he would talk. Sam tried to get him out of the house, and he went begrudgingly a few times, but they always left early. He didn't look at anybody, he didn't hit on anybody. His untouchable vibe was almost palpable. Nobody approached him. The worst part about watching it was that Sam understood exactly how he felt, but he was helpless. He needed to let Dean go through it. Dean felt things deeply, and he had no idea how long this was going to take.

\-------------------------

Dean was sitting on a stool, holding the pool stick and watching his brother take his shot. He could feel when people looked at him. Women, men, some who were new or some who knew who he was. The bartender, waitresses, even some regulars asked about Dean and all Sam could come up with was what Dean truly believed, his boyfriend died unexpectedly. Nobody offered condolences, nobody dared talk to him. They left him and Sam alone to play pool and drink. Dean was bent over taking his shot when he heard the voice behind him, "I'd go with the six ball in the side pocket. It's just angles and lines."

Dean looked up at Sam, his eyes were wide and he turned to look at Dean, confused. Dean couldn't bring himself to stand up, let alone turn around. "I got the package. I appreciate it, but we don't need it. Give me somewhere to send it and you can have it back."

"That's not why I'm here."

"Of course it isn't..." Dean groaned, finally standing up. He could see that Sam wanted to say something, wanted to get in between them, but he just shook his head. None of this was worth a fight, especially against somebody, something, that wasn't even human. "So why are you here, Castiel? A little salt in the wound?"

"I tried to stay away."

"Apparently you didn't try hard enough. Sam, do you want to take this?" He slid his body away from the table, keeping his back to Cas, and handed Sam the pool stick. He took over the high bar stool that Sam had been sitting on and picked up his drink. Cas didn't follow him, but he'd moved away from the table so that Sam could take the shot. Sam got it and looked up. "Just go ahead and clear it." Sam walked around the table, taking random shots, basically fucking around to buy time. He didn't know if the best thing to do was to get Dean the hell out of there or if Dean needed to hear what Cas had to say. 

"I just want to talk to you."

"I think we went over this roughly a month ago, I have nothing to say."

"Then will you at least listen?"

"To what?" Dean finally snapped. "Your reasoning? Your justification? You're in the PR Business for the church, which makes a whole lot of fucking sense now. You told me yourself that your job is to justify the things that people do."

"I never intended to hurt you, Dean."

"Did you ever intend to tell me?"

"I wanted to."

"You were one up on me, Castiel. You knew who I really am...I had no fucking clue. You wanted to talk, we just talked. I think we're done."

"So play me."

"What?"

"Play me. If I win, we talk. If you win, I'll leave."

"And I'm supposed to just accept the offer? I have no idea what you are capable of, but rigging a game seems entirely possible."

"I won't. I'll do what you taught me. If you were a good enough teacher, then we'll talk."

"Seriously? Now you just sound like an asshole. Rack 'em up, Sam."

Sam was getting more confused by the minute, but he did what Dean asked him to do and then sat down. "Uh, I'm seriously not trying to get involved, but what in the hell is going on?"

"His stubborn ass wants to talk, I don't. He challenged me to a pool game. I taught him how to play, and he's decent, but there's not a chance in hell that he'll beat me. I win, he leaves for good."

"That's really what you want?"

"I can't have what I want."

\-------------------------

Dean let Cas break, and saw a ball drop. He watched him miss his second shot and stood up to make his own. He still hadn't looked at Cas, he had to hold his breath every time that he was near because he couldn't let himself remember how his skin smelled. He was miserable, he shouldn't have taken the challenge, but unfortunately this Castiel guy knew him as well as Cas did, and knew that he wouldn't back down. He got a couple in before he finally missed and went to stand by Sam.

"Dude, why are you doing this to yourself?"

"Fuck, I don't know Sam. I just...He challenged me and was a total dick about it. He knows how to get to me."

"I'm not trying to talk you in or out of anything. I mean, I get it. He's not who or what you thought he was, he's dead to you. But what if you'd never found out? What if you never knew that he's an angel and he never knew that you're a hunter? Or hell, even better, what if he did know that you are a hunter and accepted it. Nothing would have changed."

"Yeah, I get that. But he's not fucking human, Sam."

"He looks pretty human to me. He's hurting, I can see it."

"What are you trying to say? Give him a chance? Hear him out? When we first met he told me that he does public relations for the church. Goes in and cleans up messes after scandals. Now I bought that story and I'm not holding it against him because technically it's true. But he also told me that his job taught him that people just want justification, excuses for the things that they do."

"And he does that?"

"Yeah, but started to question it..." Dean got lost in his thoughts, Sam had to nudge him to tell him that it was his turn. He bent over, unable to focus on his shot. Instead of lining up he dropped his stick on the table. "I can't do this shit," he mumbled, grabbing his jacket and walking out of the bar. Sam didn't look at Cas, but he made no move to follow Dean. It was Dean's life and it wasn't his place. He saw Cas leave out of the corner of his eye and he started racking up, looking for someone to challenge him.

\-------------------------

"Dean..."

"What did you mean when you told me that you question it?"

"Question what?"

"That first night when we came here for drinks. You talked about your job. You told me that you question it. That you see how something good can turn into something hypocritical without hesitation. You said that while the others go in and clean up the mess you ask yourself how it happened, who let it happen. We talked about humans being the most evil beings out there because they make decisions instead of just acting on instinct.

"I remember."

"So how in the hell am I supposed to look at you, knowing what you are, and replay that conversation in any way that makes sense? You question who you are, you question what you are supposed to do. You don't put much weight into blind faith. You told me that you had no interest in either sex or a relationship, I know that was your instinct. You aren't supposed to feel those things, are you? But you did, I touched you and you touched me back. I told you that I'd stop, I gave you an out and you didn't take it. You told me that you made your decision and you didn't regret it. It kept happening, you wanted it to happen as much as I did. Every day of my life I have existed, feeling lucky that it wasn't the day that I died young and bloody. That was it, existence. With you, I felt like I was living, and I know that you felt the same way. Now you understand, truly understand how fucking ugly my life is. The time that I spent with you, you know how much it meant to me. I'm willing to bet if what happened between us became common knowledge upstairs, it wouldn't work out so well for you. It doesn't make any sense. You are an angel who was acting like a human, and I cannot figure out why."

"I wasn't an angel acting like a human, I was an angel who felt like a human. I'm not supposed to have feelings, Dean. I'm not supposed to crave physical contact. I'm not supposed to laugh or cry, or look into your eyes and forget about everything else around me. I'm supposed to love humanity, not one specific human. I was already questioning who I was and what I believed before you came into my life. I had to hide it, I had to stay loyal. But with you I made decisions, decisions that I will never regret. I was ready to give up my grace, to become human. I had already made that choice, but I was sent here before I could formally request it. I was told that there were three under my charge who were showing free will and I needed to stop them. I didn't want you to find out that way, I didn't want you to find out at all," Cas's voice broke. "When you left me in that hotel in Michigan, I had made the decision that the next time you saw me, I would be human. I knew that when you saw the mark on my neck, the place where they would have cut me in order to remove my grace, I would have to lie to you. I never wanted to lie to you, but if that's what it took to leave it all behind me, then I would. I would be unemployed and homeless, but it wouldn't matter to you."

"Come here."

"What?"

"Just come here" 

Cas walked to where Dean was standing and let Dean reach out to lift his chin like he had so many times before. This time he didn't kiss him, instead he gently ran his finger across the mark on Cas's neck. "How long?"

"A few weeks."

"Did you do that for me?"

"No, I did it because of you. Because of the things that I experienced with you. Because of the life that you showed me. I didn't think that I would get you to talk to me tonight, but I had to try. I didn't come here expecting some romantic reunion after I revealed that I'm human. I wasn't even going to tell you. I just needed to know if what I felt then was the same as what I feel now."

"Is it."

"No," Cas searched Dean's face, finally meeting his eyes. "I'm broken. I don't regret letting them take my grace, I don't want it back. I can't be what they expect me to be anymore and I needed to tell them that so that they would take my name off of the records and allow me to live in peace. This was a choice that I made for me, for Cas. You told me that Cas died, but I killed Castiel. Right now, I don't even know who I am. All I know is that I miss you, Dean. I need you and I love you. I don't know what to do with that because I hurt you and I know it."

Dean saw the tears, he was torn. This was Cas, his Cas standing in front of him in the parking lot of the same dive bar where they'd first kissed. "When I talked to you, when I dropped my guard and I told you things about my life. You already knew about most of it, but you listened and you held me anyway."

"Knowing something is one thing, listening to the person who experienced it is something entirely different. Yes, I'm the one who dropped that knife in the grass because I wanted you to be protected. I knew that you had gone to that house to kill a werewolf, but that's all. Your reaction, what it did to you, the fact that you bought me a book to help me to understand, those are all things that I didn't expect. It changed my idea of what happened that night because I saw it through your eyes. Everything changed for me when I could see it through your eyes. What happened to your mother, the things you feel about your father, Sam, Bobby. It was all one dimensional until I heard your voice say the words, until you let me wrap my arms around you. It was like instead of reading a book, I was living the story."

"Living my ugly fucked story."

"I wanted to make it beautiful for you, Dean. I wanted to take you on those detours and let you be the guy who walks through town, proud to be holding my hand. The guy who went into a bookstore and looked through shelves until he found something for Sam, for Bobby...for me. The guy who took me on a date instead of just showing up to sleep with me. The guy who had to do a job that tore him up, but who let me wrap my arms around him while he talked about it. You deserve that, and I got to see it. You let me be a part of it. Nothing means more to me than those moments that I spent being 'your Cas'. That's what I came here to tell you. Whether it's with me or with someone else, you deserve it. We joked that sleeping with you would change my life, and it did. But just being with you, that changed my world," he leaned forward and kissed Dean softly before he started to walk away.

"Cas..." Dean said quietly, almost too quietly. Cas stopped, his back still to Dean. "You didn't lie to me, not really. I know that. I lied, I lied a lot because I'm ashamed of who I really am and I wanted to protect you from that. I wasn't proud to hold your hand. I was proud because you are beautiful, you are perfect, and you wanted me. When you sent me the knife I read the note and dropped it back in the box. Then I went outside and I fell apart. But, I went back for it, it's in my wallet right now. I have read every text that you ever sent me, listened to every message that you ever left me I don't know how many times. I have been terrified of losing my phone, because that's all I have left of you. I have been mourning your death because I cannot live thinking that my Cas is out there somewhere, but I will never again hear his voice, feel his arms around my stomach and his chin on my shoulder. I won't see that slow smile after we make love or know that somehow those blue eyes see things in mine that I probably never wanted him to see. He knew my pain, but he never felt sorry for me. He held me while I lived it and he talked me down. Every minute, every second that I spent with him made my life beautiful and I have replayed them over and over so many times because I'm afraid that someday I might forget. You were an angel, I'm still a hunter, and I don't think that's ever going to change. But what am I supposed to do knowing that my Cas is still out there? That he isn't dead?"

"Let me live again." 

Cas relaxed his body when he felt Dean's arms around him. He closed his eyes when he took in the heady scent of Dean's skin. The tears welled up when he felt the full lips against his temple.

"I need my Cas," Dean whispered, his voice thick with emotion. "I told him that I needed him, that I couldn't lose him, that I wasn't going anywhere. The only thing that I didn't tell him was how much I love him." He turned Cas in his arms and ran his hand gently down the side of his face. "I need you to live again because without you, I'm not really living," he said softly, leaning in for a tender and passionate kiss.


End file.
